Where Have I Been?

It seems the rest of the summer got away from me. Mostly I've just been working every day, and while it seemed ok when I was doing it part-time, full-time has its disadvantages... mostly long blocks of time where not much happens. Part of this is because it's after registration, and students won't be coming in again till the end of October when registration starts up.

Part of it has to do, probably, with the fact I've never had a 40 hour a week job, and I'm not used to being at work and not having anything to do. When I was teaching, I came in to teach, did my office hours (including my part-time advising hours), and went home... to do other things, like laundry (which I'm sorely behind on) or cleaning the house or grocery shopping. Now when I get home, the last thing I want to do is those chores. (Granted, I never want to do laundry since I have to go out to do it... but hopefully I'll find a new place to live soon, and it WILL have a washer and dryer, or I'm not moving in.)

Fiance and I are fine. He's actually coming up today to stay until Friday morning. There's a lecture he wants to go to tomorrow night, and he doesn't have to work, so he figured he'd come in for a quick visit. As it happens, I'm going down his way for a conference on Friday/ Saturday, and the plan was that we'd spend Saturday night and Sunday together... but he forgot to request those days off. So I'll be coming back home.

Which is just as well, so I can take care of His Magesty, whom I don't really like to leave alone, anyway. I know how he hates not being able to go outside. And I don't feel comfortable leaving the back window open--not because I worry that anyone would break in (though, in a large city, that's ALWAYS a possibility), but mainly because I don't want to come home to find that there are dead--or living!--chipmunks running around. I'm about done with the chipmunk crap, frankly.

I will say, the one good thing about this job is that when I have large blocks of unoccupied time, I fill it with writing poems, and that makes me ever so much happier a person.

Hoping everyone is well.

Job Things

After a lot of chaos, I finally got the permanent advisor job. Today was my third day at work. While I have been doing advising for a year now, I wasn't prepared for the 40-hour-a-week grind, and my butt gets sore from sitting all day, and pretty much from 2-4:30 I'm sooooo bored. But I'll get used to it, and like it too, I hope.

I figure, I'm committed to staying at this school at least as long as it takes my fiance to go through graduate school. There is a dual Master's in Public Policy/ Urban Planning program that would be fantastic if he could get into. His undergraduate grades are uneven at best. They have been better since he's been back to school, and perhaps the Admissions Committee will take that into consideration. But this is a tough school to get into, and they expect brilliance. I love my honey, but I think he's burned too many brain cells over the years to be considered brilliant. But perhaps he tests well. Maybe he'll do really well on the GRE. I hope he considers taking a Kaplan course on the GRE so that he'll do really well on it.

Oh, yikes I'm suddenly exhausted. I'll write more later.

Weird But True

The advising job I applied for--you needed 4 years work experience in a university setting. Human Resources kicked my application out as unsuitable because they somehow missed I've had 12 years experience.

I rewrote my letter and am going to resubmit it on Monday (the last day of the job being open) so that they are aware I have 12 years experience. Idiots.

Somebody Shoot Me

So, I've been going to work every since the semester ended, doing my advisory work--answering student e-mails about registration and what-not, holding office hours, meeting with students, because I am under the assumption that I am getting paid.

When I took over as assistant advisor, I was told I would get paid for fall, spring, and summer. But, I sent an e-mail to the head of the department several weeks ago to confirm this, when the person I directly report to made a funny noise when I brought up summer employment to her. (Even though she was the one who told me I would get adjunct pay for summer.) I didn't sign up for summer teaching because I was told I was getting paid for summer. Hence, la la la, I'm thinking I'm getting paid.

Well, I went to the office manager of our department and checked to make sure that I would be getting paid. She looked at her papers and said, "You're not on the summer budget."

Son of a bitch.

I go into the Vice-Chair's office and say what the hell is this? If I'm not getting paid for the summer what am I supposed to do about health care? Why have I been coming to work? I sure as hell wasn't planning on volunteering for the summer. And I sure as hell would have signed up for summer teaching.

I'm so pissed I can't even tell you. And I'm really pissed at the person I have been directly reporting to, because she's the one who promised me summer money and she was the one who should have made sure to put me in the budget. I'm livid really. Because now I have no money for the summer, and nobody at that fucking school gives a goddamn about it.

Update

This week I am going to a big cancer hospital back home for testing and a second opinion. Anyway, I like to spend my birthday with my Mom, and Friday is my birthday.

Actually, I don't really even care about the second opinion. In fact, I'd rather not do it, because I just want to quit. Period. No more. And I can't afford it. But Mom and C both want me to do it, so ok, I'm going for it.

But before I leave on Tuesday (I think), I have another meeting with the head of the department tomorrow, and hopefully this one will be more clear as to whether a job is really going to manifest for me, or whether I should just go home for good. I don't know why they wouldn't want to give me a job--I'm good at advising; I like it, and the students like me. So hopefully I will have some good news tomorrow. Because I'm not loving this flux I'm in. I'm just not a fluxy person.

Other than that, things are quiet. Hope you all are doing well.

Deep Dark Blues Must Be Catching

I just read Maude Lebowski's blog, and she's having a really tough day, as am I. I tried to get out of the house and get some fresh air--walked the malls (though, I'm not a mall person, but I wanted to use a giftcard that Boyfriend's sister gave me for Christmas), saw The Waterhorse, but the movie, which started out cute, became depressing and horrible as the Royal Navy began shooting giant cannons at "Crusoe" (aka, the Loch Ness Monster). In fact, it was scary and awful, and I started to cry. I probably should have left the theater, but I didn't.

I don't want to start another semester; I have a bad feeling that they won't be hiring me as a full time advisor, because my boss has been very cold to me ever since I started chemo, and now I'm terrified that come May, I will be jobless. I'm not ready to move back home with my Mom--I love her of course, and frankly, would love to live back in my hometown, but I can't go home to her and leave my Beloved.

I guess I just feel everything is futile today, and I am two inches away from bawling my eyes out, and I hate feeling like that.

I Stayed Late Tonight

I didn't leave campus till after 8--I absolutely wanted to finish grading the first class' design exercise, and I did finish that. I have great plans for staying late tomorrow and Wednesday, and getting them all graded so I can give them back on Monday. Then I'll only have their damn memos and audience exercises to grade, and I'll be all caught up...

Of course, I realize how ridiculous that sounds... I mean, these damn things have been waiting for weeks for me to grade. They sit in condemning piles around my house, filling me with loathing. If I could just grade the papers when they came in, it wouldn't be such an ordeal. But my behavior never seems to change.

I wish I could teach, but not grade. I suspect all teachers feel this way. But I know there are conscientious, ethical teachers who really do their jobs, read and return papers in a timely manner, and don't hate every single day they're in the classroom. I don't know how they do it. I really admire them. I can't seem to manage it.

Oh, this is a rambly, useless post. More of the same. Sometimes, I can't even stand myself.

Another Weekend Wasted

Great, it's 7 p.m. Sunday evening, and I've not done a damn thing this weekend except brood about my shitty life and wish all the grading I haven't done would just mysteriously disappear so I wouldn't have to look at all those piles of uncompleted work.

I've decided that what I need to do is start staying at school till 8 or 9 pm--just grading. I'd like to be able to go home for T'giving without carrying home 300 papers to grade. It's quite obvious that when I'm home nothing gets accomplished. Part of that is the depression. Part of it is just hating hating hating Tech Comm and everything to do with it and not being able to motivate myself to get it done. It's terrible--I'm practically phoning in my work. I go to work, but I'm not there. I'm not answering student e-mails. I'll probably get the worst evals of my career. And I can't even seem to care, not even a smidge.

It's really, really bad. I've never LOVED grading--who does? But at least when I was reading comp papers, there was the POSSIBILITY of finding something interesting that engaged my intellect. But there is no such experience in grading effing memos.

I wish to Goddess a miracle would happen, and they'll hire me full time for advising. I pray for it.

Out of It

I've been struggling with some news lately that I'm still trying to deal with, and trying to decide what to do. When I come to some conclusions, I'll write about them here, but until then I have to be mysterious.

In other news, school is dragging me down. I hate Tech Comm like you can't believe. I'm glad it's November because I have like 4 or 5 group work days scheduled and that means 4 or 5 days I don't have to teach. I am so depressed about being scheduled to teach it again next semester. I asked for Comp 2, but apparently they needed me to teach it. Well, that's what they said anyhow. But the bright side is, of course, that I'm continuing to advise. Which I love.

Maybe I've said this before here, but I liken advising to "emergency room academia." I still get the benefit of talking with students, but there is no grading involved. They come in, get what they need, and then they go. I mean, how great is that? I keep praying that this will turn into a full-time job. It will mitigate some of my current worries if I knew I was going to continue to be employed. But more than that, I'm good at advising. I actually care about these students in ways that I could give a rat's ass about the students in my Tech Comm classes.

Which is not to say I don't like my TC students, because some of them I like very much. But it's the subject matter that is just dreadful. And I hate the Guru's book. I'm just going to come right out and say that. Her book is so tedious and so dull--and it breaks a lot of the "rules" that she's so tediously explains about what good technical communication should do. I mean maybe TC has a possibility of being interesting, but her book kills it for me. And those students who aren't doing even just the bare minimum in class--they're killing me too.

Anyway... not much on tap today. I have 1000 papers to grade. Oh, joy.

Hmm, I have so much to do, I think I'll go read a book. Heheh.

The Halloween Book Ain't Happening, Guru Be Fucked

So, it's the 11th of October, and I haven't done any work on the book Guru wants done. Initially I was all freaked out about it, and now it's like I can't try to teach a class I hate, meet my advising obligations, meet with my writing groups and the Tech Comm Seminar every week, be a good girlfriend, try to grade (which, by the way, that ain't happening either), and keep sane. I'm kind of depressed about everything.

In other, unrelated news, I am sending prayers, good vibes, and kind wishes to my friends Doggerel and Butterfly Cauldron... I worry about them, and send them my love.

Job Things, The Sequel

So, today I had a meeting with Guru (the New Writing & Communication Coordinator, who is a Full Professor, and a Professor Emeritus from her previous school), and she looked over my C.V. and talked to me about my future plans, and mentioned ways that I could improve the C.V. and how I articulate my teaching and the kinds of things I do in the classroom so as to make me stand out when it comes to people picking through job materials.

But among the things she said: a) only listing 3 examples of work under review is poor--I ought to have 10(!) listed, so as to demonstrate I am an active poet who actively submits work; b) that I need to write at least 3 essays (on place, spirituality, and family) since those are areas I focused on in my diss; c) that I need to cull about 30 poems from my diss, package them with these essays, and send this manuscript out to publishers by Halloween (!); and d) that I begin the research to write a collaborative paper with her about Tech Comm. I came out of the meeting ready to slit my wrists.

More than that, she said that while it's quite obvious that several people in the department would LOVE to keep me on as an advisor, that this is a "safe" job, and it's about time I spread my wings and leave the nest. That I should be a teacher, since that's where my heart is.

And what I said to her is that I don't know where my heart is. I'm not sure what I want to be "when I grow up." And what I didn't feel like I could admit is how absolutely little faith I have in myself. And why should I? I don't write. In some ways, I think going on the job market would be a waste of time because I really don't think that I would be an asset to any program. No matter how you package my C.V., there's just not anything there. Certainly not anything that would get me hired.

Of course, if I do all the work Guru wants (and as an aside, let me mention that a First Year came to me about writing a collaborative paper in Tech Comm about video games which I agreed to do way before this onslought of work Guru has piled on me), maybe I could get a job somewhere. I mean, there were quite a few creative writing jobs on the MLA list... but where would that leave me with Boyfriend?

If it's not one thing, it's six.

Job Things

Today I met with another Third Year and some people he knows at the Big Humanities School here in town and we talked about and workshopped job materials. It was really beneficial in the sense that they helped me to see some ways to improve my C.V. and also how to articulate and position my research in my job letter. And in some ways it was really depressing, because their C.V.s just seemed so impressive and demonstrated such a range of scholarship.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I can say that the reason I don't go to conferences is that I can't afford to fly (and more than that I HATE to fly), but the truth is, I just don't think I have any good ideas about researching. And when I do have good ideas, and start to write, I lose interest. Everything I write is an abortion. (Just like my poetry.)

It just makes me want to give up. But the truth is, I've already given up. Which is pretty sad, since the MLA job list just came out yesterday.

I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do with my life.

This & That

This weekend I read some poems at a "Local Authors" reading. I didn't really want to, but I did because I was asked to. Well, alright, that's a complete lie. I was told, rather unceremoniously, in the middle of summer that I would be reading at this thing. If I had realized back in July that the 2nd was Labor Day weekend, I would have passed. As it was, I went, read 7 poems, and then headed down to visit B/f.

He and I had a good time, even if it was just for Sunday night and yesterday day. Of course the house was beyond the pale, but he had fresh sheets down, so I'll take what I can get. We had a good time with each other. I really do love the big goof.

In other news, today and tomorrow are more long days at the office. And then my Mom is coming in for a few days on Thursday. So after I do accumulated weeks of laundry tonight, I have to clean the house. It's not really bad--it never is--but it could use some straightening. As always, the stacks of crap on the coffee table need to be beat back from taking over the living room, and the bathroom needs cleaning. Nothing arduous, just a bit time consuming.

And I still have to do the reading and assignment stuff for tomorrow. Bleah. It's always something.

Meetings!

I'm glad that I don't have to put in an appearance at work tomorrow, because I don't think I could stand having to ...er... sit through one more meeting this week. I had 2 on Tuesday, yesterday, and today. The ones today included a meeting for all the liberal arts college advisors, and also a faculty meeting for our department.

I can't complain too much about either of the meetings I attended today. The faculty meeting was over in less than an hour (!!!), and the advisors' meeting, which was an hour and a half, at least provided us with candy and drinks. (I'd have preferred lunch, but beggers can't be choosers, as they say.)

I'm really of two minds when it comes to meetings. There is something to be said for the energy and enthusiasm they can give you when you're actually discussing something interesting. In fact, it's often been my experience that good meetings really do spark ideas and creativity. However, we've all sat through meetings where they discuss useless trivialities till all you think about is how much more exciting it would be if someone would just come in with a high-powered vacuum and suck out your brain through your nose.

I suppose, if my boss manages to persuade the Higher Ups that they really need to hire me as an advisor full time, I can look forward to all kinds of meetings. But that would be ok. I'm not a meeting person. But I could become one if I were pulling in $50K a year. ;)

Cabals, Cliques, and Cloisters Suck...

...when you don't get to choose who joins.

I was trying to discuss with Boyfriend why I hate my life.

The latest reason (#460) is that a person from Midwestern U is coming to join the program I'm in, and my program coordinator (also from Midwestern U, the person instrumental in getting me this job), thinking it would be nice if I had someone from Midwestern U that I went to school with (tangentially) to share my office with next semester (because Beth is leaving), as opposed to a stranger, informed me today that he's moving in. This would, I suppose, not be TERRIBLE, though I am jealous of this person because he just had a book published (or accepted), and I still can't get a single GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT JOURNAL to take one measly poem from me.

But more than that... that guy has never said more than a handful of words to me, even though I've tried to be friendly to him. So, won't it be just delightful to have him in my office?? The reason she gave for installing him in my office was that we're both "writers" and that the program likes to put people with similar interests together. But the truth is, she just wants to have a little conclave of Midwestern U people together, like we're some club. I think I will be ill.

I much rather it was Doggerel coming to share an office with me. Because I love her.