Out of Touch

I've been busy doing absolutely nothing for the last several weeks. I am tired, in debt, sick of mounting medical bills, and worried about the lack-of-job sitch. The cancer isn't responding to the treatment, my doctor thinks maybe I have something else, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Really, everything kind of bites. And I have about 4000 papers to grade before grades are due. Plus, I have to clean out my office. There's a depressing thought.

Wedding Things

Did I mention C & I are officially engaged?

I've been avoiding grading by looking at wedding websites. I was looking at invitations and save-the-date cards on Crane paper, which I will not be able to afford, even though Crane paper is so very elegant. I found another website called The Knot which has all manner of things, from budgeting info, to a guest list keeper, to 12-month planners. My Mom said her boss at work (who got married in December) suggested it, so I checked it out and it's pretty cool.

And I ordered 3 books from Amazon: Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5th ed., Your Stress-Free Wedding Planner, and for a sociological perspective, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. Hopefully that last book will keep me from becoming a maniac.

And C and I have been kicking around ideas for where to have the wedding/ reception. I'd like to do something unique and unusual, and C pretty much says whatever I want. He's amenable like that. Of course, I won't let him get out of doing plenty of the work--he's not going to use the excuse of whatever I want to get out of making decisions.

Of course, I don't know where I'll get the money for this wedding. (I'm certainly not asking my asshole father for penny one.) I keep hemorrhaging money with this stupid cancer treatment that's not working. It's a good thing I'm seeing the oncologist on Monday because I'm going to ask her if I can just quit chemo since it doesn't seem to be doing anything and the pet scan showed nothing. C and my other friends keep saying "Well, you should stick with the chemo in case the cancer spreads." All I can say is THE PET SCAN SHOWED NOTHING. A $3000 test showed nothing. So clearly I must not have cancer. I almost wonder if the oncologist was wrong, and I've been suffering for four months with chemo for nothing at all. (Gahh, if I think about that too much, I become irate.)

Anyway... the dog next door is barking its insane head off, and I need to grade. Love to all.

Decision

I've decided if that PET scan I did on Friday reveals nothing of any significance, I'm going to quit cancer treatments. 3 months of treatments hasn't managed to accomplish anything, so why should I continue down a path that just makes me tired, sick, and lethargic? Moreover, my medical bills are killing me and I just can't afford to keep getting $900 treatments that don't seem to work. I'm tired and bored, and I've had enough.

Inconsequential Things... Like My Health

I'm feeling kind of sick to my stomach today, and I've spent a good part of the day in bed. I did get myself on the couch to watch the 2005 Pride & Prejudice, which I'd give a B/B- to. Let's face it, the BBC one that ran on A&E will always be the standard to which all other adaptations are measured. It's all about Mr. Darcy isn't it? The guy who played Mr. Darcy in this movie was ok, but he was no Colin Firth. Well, and while we're at it, Keira Knightley is no Jennifer Ehle.

Afterwards, I went back down for a nappie, like a baby. I however also managed to bathe at one point. This is important because the last few days I haven't felt even up to that. I didn't feel up to it today either, but noxious smells were emanating from my body and I needed to get clean. Now I smell lovely, which I'm sure Snorky is glad for. He's been keeping me company in the bed. I know my offensiveness was bothering him. He can be very fastidious, even for a cat.

Nothing much is going on. C's brother's wedding is in 2 weekends, and I'm half-way looking forward to getting out of Atlanta, at least for a couple of days. Of course, it will be a chemo weekend, and that means I'll be really tired and puny. And C still hasn't told his parents that I have cancer. I don't know what he's waiting for--a written invitation? I'm just afraid that I'll be tired and subdued at the wedding and his family will think I have no personality or energy or otherwise make assumptions about me that aren't true, which will then influence them not to like me. I've tried explaining this to C but he keeps giving me the runaround. I told him if he doesn't tell them in the next few days, I'm writing them a letter. Maybe that will galvanize him.

I really don't understand his hesitancy. He ran to them to tell them all the gruesome details of the botched pregnancy and my D&C and my ubiquitous bleeding--the stuff I didn't want them to know about. But I think they should know about the cancer, and he won't tell them. Maybe he thinks they'll freak out. But both his mother and sister are nurses, so it's not like they won't have any understanding. Whatever.

The next door yapping dog won't shut up. I wish I could slip it a mickey.

Hope everyone's ok.

New Treatment

The doctor didn't like my last bloodtest and said the cancer wasn't responding. So I've been switched to a new treatment, a more aggressive one that knocks my ass out and makes me so sick. I thought the other treatment wasn't great, but this is worse.

I was exhausted all day yesterday, and I had to go onto campus for a meeting. Two hours total, and I thought I would die. Today, I didn't even get out of bed till almost 5, and it's not even 8:30, and I'm thinking of going back to bed.

I've been managing alright. But now I'm afraid that this new treatment (which takes about a couple of hours to administer) is going to make things very, very hard for me.

I wish I could give up cancer for Lent.

Day After

They've decided to put me on anti-nausea pills round the clock, so I have to take one of the pills ever 6 hours. Actually, I wish they had told me to do this weeks ago, because today really wasn't too bad. I actually had an appetite today, and the pills kept me from feeling gross. Right now I feel a little sick and light-headed, but that's because I need to take another dose.

B/f came up last night and I can't say I was very good company... I went to sleep around 7; my Mom woke me up at 10 till 10 to ask how I was feeling and to remind me that there was a new Law & Order on, and so I got up to watch that, then I went back to sleep, and slept the sleep of the dead.

Well, except for the 4 times Kitteh wanted in and out. And of course C didn't manage to hear any of the times the cat wanted in or out. Of course. *Sigh*

I was sleepy for a lot of today, but while I was up, I watched Evan Almighty. It wasn't very funny, but it was kind of cute, so it was a nice diversion.

Anyway, here are a few more new pictures of His Highness. I thought you might enjoy seeing how handsome he is lately.

Chemo Crash 2

Another really bad day. B/f wants me to come visit him tomorrow, but I swear, I just want to stay in bed and die. I feel awful. Now, I guess, there's enough chemo in my blood that I don't bounce back like I did in the early rounds... I wind up just feeling bad for the rest of the week. It's pitiful.

And I'm almost out of ginger ale.

Chemo Crash

Oy, I can tell this is the day after chemo... I'm so exhausted. I woke up at 7:30, putzed around till 10:30, and then crashed. I would have slept probably the rest of the day except His Magesty jumped up on the bed and began to lick my neck, the silly beastie.

I've managed to eat some bread and soup, but I really want to go back to bed. And it's not even 5. Is that bad?

Deep Dark Blues Must Be Catching

I just read Maude Lebowski's blog, and she's having a really tough day, as am I. I tried to get out of the house and get some fresh air--walked the malls (though, I'm not a mall person, but I wanted to use a giftcard that Boyfriend's sister gave me for Christmas), saw The Waterhorse, but the movie, which started out cute, became depressing and horrible as the Royal Navy began shooting giant cannons at "Crusoe" (aka, the Loch Ness Monster). In fact, it was scary and awful, and I started to cry. I probably should have left the theater, but I didn't.

I don't want to start another semester; I have a bad feeling that they won't be hiring me as a full time advisor, because my boss has been very cold to me ever since I started chemo, and now I'm terrified that come May, I will be jobless. I'm not ready to move back home with my Mom--I love her of course, and frankly, would love to live back in my hometown, but I can't go home to her and leave my Beloved.

I guess I just feel everything is futile today, and I am two inches away from bawling my eyes out, and I hate feeling like that.

Monday, Tuesday, Chemoday...

Today was my fourth go-round with chemo. It was really painful today, and I was sick three times. Afterwards, we ran a couple of errands, and then I came home and went to bed.

But I'm up for the season premiere of Law & Order.

And tomorrow my Mom goes back home, and my heart is breaking.

Chemo 3, Mermatriarch 0

I am still suffering the sinus infection that I got on 11/28. Combine that with a bad "trip" from this latest round of chemo, I am having a shitty, shitty day.

Update

My Mom came in on Monday, and she's been wonderful.

Wednesday was another round of chemo. What was terrible was the I.V., which just burned. I went through 3 liters of "buffer" solution, but when it ran out, I was crying, because the stuff just was like fire in my arm. Apparently I have a low tolerance for the meds, and I thought I would die. The nurse hooked me up with more buffer but I guess there's only so much they can give.

Anyway, four hours later, we left, and went to Target to pick up a new prescription. Every time I leave that doctor, it seems like I get some new drugs. And not good ones. :(

Chemo mostly makes me exhausted and nauseated. But I'm trying my best. It's early in my treatment, though; maybe later, I'll be less "cheerful and brave." I don't know how many rounds I'll have to get. It just depends on how my body responds.

Anyway, if I don't write any time soon, I hope everyone has a happy Christmas or other winter holiday. Bless you all.