I just read Maude Lebowski's blog, and she's having a really tough day, as am I. I tried to get out of the house and get some fresh air--walked the malls (though, I'm not a mall person, but I wanted to use a giftcard that Boyfriend's sister gave me for Christmas), saw The Waterhorse, but the movie, which started out cute, became depressing and horrible as the Royal Navy began shooting giant cannons at "Crusoe" (aka, the Loch Ness Monster). In fact, it was scary and awful, and I started to cry. I probably should have left the theater, but I didn't.
I don't want to start another semester; I have a bad feeling that they won't be hiring me as a full time advisor, because my boss has been very cold to me ever since I started chemo, and now I'm terrified that come May, I will be jobless. I'm not ready to move back home with my Mom--I love her of course, and frankly, would love to live back in my hometown, but I can't go home to her and leave my Beloved.
I guess I just feel everything is futile today, and I am two inches away from bawling my eyes out, and I hate feeling like that.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Another Weekend Wasted
Great, it's 7 p.m. Sunday evening, and I've not done a damn thing this weekend except brood about my shitty life and wish all the grading I haven't done would just mysteriously disappear so I wouldn't have to look at all those piles of uncompleted work.
I've decided that what I need to do is start staying at school till 8 or 9 pm--just grading. I'd like to be able to go home for T'giving without carrying home 300 papers to grade. It's quite obvious that when I'm home nothing gets accomplished. Part of that is the depression. Part of it is just hating hating hating Tech Comm and everything to do with it and not being able to motivate myself to get it done. It's terrible--I'm practically phoning in my work. I go to work, but I'm not there. I'm not answering student e-mails. I'll probably get the worst evals of my career. And I can't even seem to care, not even a smidge.
It's really, really bad. I've never LOVED grading--who does? But at least when I was reading comp papers, there was the POSSIBILITY of finding something interesting that engaged my intellect. But there is no such experience in grading effing memos.
I wish to Goddess a miracle would happen, and they'll hire me full time for advising. I pray for it.
I've decided that what I need to do is start staying at school till 8 or 9 pm--just grading. I'd like to be able to go home for T'giving without carrying home 300 papers to grade. It's quite obvious that when I'm home nothing gets accomplished. Part of that is the depression. Part of it is just hating hating hating Tech Comm and everything to do with it and not being able to motivate myself to get it done. It's terrible--I'm practically phoning in my work. I go to work, but I'm not there. I'm not answering student e-mails. I'll probably get the worst evals of my career. And I can't even seem to care, not even a smidge.
It's really, really bad. I've never LOVED grading--who does? But at least when I was reading comp papers, there was the POSSIBILITY of finding something interesting that engaged my intellect. But there is no such experience in grading effing memos.
I wish to Goddess a miracle would happen, and they'll hire me full time for advising. I pray for it.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Why I Need ANOTHER Blog....
...I need a place where no one knows me.
I have a LJ, I have a MySpace, I probably have a couple other blogs here or there, but I use these most frequently. Which isn't that frequently, unless it's for the most banal of posts, since everyone knows about them, and I need some privacy. Because I'm really fucking up in my life. I mean it. I am just betwixt and between and I just don't have any energy to do the kinds of things that I need to: mainly, get a new job.
I am a professor in academia. I teach at a tech school, but my job there is lousy--and it's temporary (I'm finishing year 2 on a 3 year gig). I need to find something better. But I just can't seem to do the work that I need to do to find another job. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to teach. If I could find a women's studies job--but then, I found one that would have been perfect, and I couldn't seem to get my portfolio together to apply. That's what I mean. I just seem to be stagnating.
I mean, I know that a job isn't going to fall out of the sky. I know that I have to make my teaching portfolio and do that other BS that academic jobs require--and yet I can't seem to motivate myself. I just...subsist. And I'm doing it badly.
I'm a failure. I know this. I have lots of people fooled, since I got my PhD and I teach at a good school, and even my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty together, but I'm really not. And the truth is, sometimes I'm really afraid that the depression that I've suffered my entire life is going to choke me to death... I feel it lurking, right around the corner. And I have health care. I could go to therapy (not that I make a lot of money to spend on therapy, since my student loans are ALSO choking me to death), but I can't even motivate myself enough to find a doctor. I'm just... stuck.
And scared.
And I really, really hate myself. I've been pretending I'm ok--everyone thinks I am. But I'm not.
I have a LJ, I have a MySpace, I probably have a couple other blogs here or there, but I use these most frequently. Which isn't that frequently, unless it's for the most banal of posts, since everyone knows about them, and I need some privacy. Because I'm really fucking up in my life. I mean it. I am just betwixt and between and I just don't have any energy to do the kinds of things that I need to: mainly, get a new job.
I am a professor in academia. I teach at a tech school, but my job there is lousy--and it's temporary (I'm finishing year 2 on a 3 year gig). I need to find something better. But I just can't seem to do the work that I need to do to find another job. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to teach. If I could find a women's studies job--but then, I found one that would have been perfect, and I couldn't seem to get my portfolio together to apply. That's what I mean. I just seem to be stagnating.
I mean, I know that a job isn't going to fall out of the sky. I know that I have to make my teaching portfolio and do that other BS that academic jobs require--and yet I can't seem to motivate myself. I just...subsist. And I'm doing it badly.
I'm a failure. I know this. I have lots of people fooled, since I got my PhD and I teach at a good school, and even my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty together, but I'm really not. And the truth is, sometimes I'm really afraid that the depression that I've suffered my entire life is going to choke me to death... I feel it lurking, right around the corner. And I have health care. I could go to therapy (not that I make a lot of money to spend on therapy, since my student loans are ALSO choking me to death), but I can't even motivate myself enough to find a doctor. I'm just... stuck.
And scared.
And I really, really hate myself. I've been pretending I'm ok--everyone thinks I am. But I'm not.
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