Somebody Shoot Me

So, I've been going to work every since the semester ended, doing my advisory work--answering student e-mails about registration and what-not, holding office hours, meeting with students, because I am under the assumption that I am getting paid.

When I took over as assistant advisor, I was told I would get paid for fall, spring, and summer. But, I sent an e-mail to the head of the department several weeks ago to confirm this, when the person I directly report to made a funny noise when I brought up summer employment to her. (Even though she was the one who told me I would get adjunct pay for summer.) I didn't sign up for summer teaching because I was told I was getting paid for summer. Hence, la la la, I'm thinking I'm getting paid.

Well, I went to the office manager of our department and checked to make sure that I would be getting paid. She looked at her papers and said, "You're not on the summer budget."

Son of a bitch.

I go into the Vice-Chair's office and say what the hell is this? If I'm not getting paid for the summer what am I supposed to do about health care? Why have I been coming to work? I sure as hell wasn't planning on volunteering for the summer. And I sure as hell would have signed up for summer teaching.

I'm so pissed I can't even tell you. And I'm really pissed at the person I have been directly reporting to, because she's the one who promised me summer money and she was the one who should have made sure to put me in the budget. I'm livid really. Because now I have no money for the summer, and nobody at that fucking school gives a goddamn about it.

Update

This week I am going to a big cancer hospital back home for testing and a second opinion. Anyway, I like to spend my birthday with my Mom, and Friday is my birthday.

Actually, I don't really even care about the second opinion. In fact, I'd rather not do it, because I just want to quit. Period. No more. And I can't afford it. But Mom and C both want me to do it, so ok, I'm going for it.

But before I leave on Tuesday (I think), I have another meeting with the head of the department tomorrow, and hopefully this one will be more clear as to whether a job is really going to manifest for me, or whether I should just go home for good. I don't know why they wouldn't want to give me a job--I'm good at advising; I like it, and the students like me. So hopefully I will have some good news tomorrow. Because I'm not loving this flux I'm in. I'm just not a fluxy person.

Other than that, things are quiet. Hope you all are doing well.

Out of Touch

I've been busy doing absolutely nothing for the last several weeks. I am tired, in debt, sick of mounting medical bills, and worried about the lack-of-job sitch. The cancer isn't responding to the treatment, my doctor thinks maybe I have something else, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Really, everything kind of bites. And I have about 4000 papers to grade before grades are due. Plus, I have to clean out my office. There's a depressing thought.

PET Scan

Oh, sorry, got the bill today. The PET scan was $3881, not $3000. Nice.

Wedding Things

Did I mention C & I are officially engaged?

I've been avoiding grading by looking at wedding websites. I was looking at invitations and save-the-date cards on Crane paper, which I will not be able to afford, even though Crane paper is so very elegant. I found another website called The Knot which has all manner of things, from budgeting info, to a guest list keeper, to 12-month planners. My Mom said her boss at work (who got married in December) suggested it, so I checked it out and it's pretty cool.

And I ordered 3 books from Amazon: Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5th ed., Your Stress-Free Wedding Planner, and for a sociological perspective, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. Hopefully that last book will keep me from becoming a maniac.

And C and I have been kicking around ideas for where to have the wedding/ reception. I'd like to do something unique and unusual, and C pretty much says whatever I want. He's amenable like that. Of course, I won't let him get out of doing plenty of the work--he's not going to use the excuse of whatever I want to get out of making decisions.

Of course, I don't know where I'll get the money for this wedding. (I'm certainly not asking my asshole father for penny one.) I keep hemorrhaging money with this stupid cancer treatment that's not working. It's a good thing I'm seeing the oncologist on Monday because I'm going to ask her if I can just quit chemo since it doesn't seem to be doing anything and the pet scan showed nothing. C and my other friends keep saying "Well, you should stick with the chemo in case the cancer spreads." All I can say is THE PET SCAN SHOWED NOTHING. A $3000 test showed nothing. So clearly I must not have cancer. I almost wonder if the oncologist was wrong, and I've been suffering for four months with chemo for nothing at all. (Gahh, if I think about that too much, I become irate.)

Anyway... the dog next door is barking its insane head off, and I need to grade. Love to all.

Decision

I've decided if that PET scan I did on Friday reveals nothing of any significance, I'm going to quit cancer treatments. 3 months of treatments hasn't managed to accomplish anything, so why should I continue down a path that just makes me tired, sick, and lethargic? Moreover, my medical bills are killing me and I just can't afford to keep getting $900 treatments that don't seem to work. I'm tired and bored, and I've had enough.

On Very Personal Health

I really needed to do laundry today. So instead I took a long nap. Then I graded for a while, and now I'm goofing off online. I suck.

Actually I took the nap to head off a headache that was starting. Because of the chemo, I'm not supposed to use Advil, but after 6 days of headaches last week, I begged and pleaded to the nurse practitioner and the oncology nurse to let me have Advil. They must know me because they said they'll allow me to take one or two once in a very great while, but I can't "eat it like candy." Which is scary. Because before chemo, I did eat Advil like candy. I mean, why take one or two when five or six will knock out cramps or migraines? I probably have no liver. But they said I need to use Advil sparingly because of the risk of uncontrolled bleeding. I don't plan on injuring myself, so I'd like to ignore the no candy-eating rule, but I'll be a good girl.

It helps that I haven't had a period since forever. (I'm not counting all the bleeding I had after the surgery where I was going through pads like every hour [since I wasn't allowed to use tampons].) Of course, I don't have periods because I'm skipping the white pills and going onto the next month's birth control pack. And I realize this is kind of a bad thing to do because of the risk to my heart and the rest of my body from all the extra hormones, but without PMS and MS, my mood is better, I can cope with my disease better, and I'm just a nicer person to be around. I figure, as long as I'm forced to be on birth control for at least a year, and possibly longer due to cancer, I may as well make it worthwhile by being period-free.

I think the nurse practitioner isn't too happy with this decision. But then she didn't have a miscarriage, a D&C, and copious amounts of bleeding for 6 weeks straight. (I have 3 pairs of stained jeans I can't get clean because the bleeding was so bad.)

Anyway. These are just the random thoughts of my mind today.