Day After

They've decided to put me on anti-nausea pills round the clock, so I have to take one of the pills ever 6 hours. Actually, I wish they had told me to do this weeks ago, because today really wasn't too bad. I actually had an appetite today, and the pills kept me from feeling gross. Right now I feel a little sick and light-headed, but that's because I need to take another dose.

B/f came up last night and I can't say I was very good company... I went to sleep around 7; my Mom woke me up at 10 till 10 to ask how I was feeling and to remind me that there was a new Law & Order on, and so I got up to watch that, then I went back to sleep, and slept the sleep of the dead.

Well, except for the 4 times Kitteh wanted in and out. And of course C didn't manage to hear any of the times the cat wanted in or out. Of course. *Sigh*

I was sleepy for a lot of today, but while I was up, I watched Evan Almighty. It wasn't very funny, but it was kind of cute, so it was a nice diversion.

Anyway, here are a few more new pictures of His Highness. I thought you might enjoy seeing how handsome he is lately.

Chemo Crash 2

Another really bad day. B/f wants me to come visit him tomorrow, but I swear, I just want to stay in bed and die. I feel awful. Now, I guess, there's enough chemo in my blood that I don't bounce back like I did in the early rounds... I wind up just feeling bad for the rest of the week. It's pitiful.

And I'm almost out of ginger ale.

Chemo Crash

Oy, I can tell this is the day after chemo... I'm so exhausted. I woke up at 7:30, putzed around till 10:30, and then crashed. I would have slept probably the rest of the day except His Magesty jumped up on the bed and began to lick my neck, the silly beastie.

I've managed to eat some bread and soup, but I really want to go back to bed. And it's not even 5. Is that bad?

So, He Apologizes

B/f was very apologetic. And it was nice to see him. It would have been better if he showed up on Sunday, but whatever. Honestly, I don't know what this weekend thing was about, but I talked to him about the importance of compromise, and maybe, just maybe he gets it.

More Snow Pictures

Here are some more pictures of snow. This is from the snow on the 19th. I sure wish we'd have a crazy 13-incher... but that only happens in the Plains. Ah well. It was pretty to see.

Stupidities

B/f just called me, told me he was spending the night tomorrow. And I told him that I was disappointed that he couldn't be bothered to come and see me before tomorrow. I said that he could have left the conference at noon today; he could have been here by dinner time, and that I needed him, but apparently that didn't seem to matter to him.

I reminded him that every week, I go get chemo by myself, I'm exhausted by myself, and I'm sick by myself, and that he has not once spent any time with me after I've gone in for chemo. And he cried and got all emotional and started calling himself names, and I told him that I wasn't trying to blame him, but I feel pretty insignificant, totally second fiddle, to that conference he went to. I also reminded him that if he comes tomorrow and stays the night, I still have to leave the house at 8 a.m. in order to get to work on Tuesday, and we're hardly going to have any time together.

I told him I was pissed. What I should have said is that I don't want to see him tomorrow. Because I feel like his coming tomorrow for that brief visit is to assuage his guilt, and frankly, that's not going to fix things for me. But more than that, I'm pissed at myself because I should have told him yesterday when he mentioned what all the day's plans for today were that I needed him here. So once again, this is really my fault too, and that REALLY pisses me off.

Because I know he has no common sense. I know he can't read minds. So I should have expressed to him what my needs were, because maybe then I would have had a shot of getting them met. But I think I was just so stunned that he really didn't seem to understand how much I needed him that I let him do what he wanted to do (hang with those people from the conference), and in the process got infuriated.

As always, I am equally culpable. But honestly... how bright do you have to be to figure out your girlfriend needs help those first several days after a round of chemo? He could have gone to half the conference and spent the other half of the weekend with me. You know, if he had cancer, and I wanted to go to a conference that was not necessarily germane to my being, I think I would have blown the conference off and spent the weekend with him. But maybe that's just me.

I'm so disappointed. I expected better. But this is my fault too. And that's just as upsetting.

He Called

He called me at 11. He's fine. I wanted to yell at him, but instead I cried.

Call Me Paranoid

This morning at 3:06 a.m., Boyfriend sent me a text message that said, "Oh god, I love and miss you." It woke me up out of a dead sleep. I went to the bathroom, and called him back. No answer. I called 4 more times, and texted him back. No answer.

I was awake from 3 till 6, when I finally fell back asleep. I have called him 3 times this morning. Why isn't he answering?

He has never texted me before in the middle of the night. In fact, he doesn't text me at all because he knows each text message costs me 15 cents. So why, last night, does he do this? I've watched a hella lot of Forensic Files, and all I can think is that was his last message to me before someone killed him. Maybe that's a little on the crazy side, but why hasn't he called me back?

Ok, ok, you might say, maybe he got drunk last night and texted me, and he's sleeping in. But the fact of the matter is he's gone to that Students for a Democratic Society conference in Tuscaloosa, AL, and all the sessions started this morning at 8 or 9.... so he'd have to be up for that, right?

I am really, really panicky right now. This just isn't like him. I don't know what to do. Call, dammit. Call me.

My Snow Video

Thanks to Butterfly Cauldron, I feel all media savvy....

Here is the little video I shot last night. (It's the same one I posted on MySpace, so if you saw it there, don't think you'll be looking at something different.) Unfortunately, it's kind of dark, and hard to see. But I hope you like it.

Of course, by this morning, the rain had washed the snow all away. (I wish I could be up in the mountains where they got several inches... I would have loved to have seen it.)

Snow Pictures

Here are the photos I took of the snow. (Warning, they are not overly exciting.)



Here's another of the little chairs on my porch.



I thought I had a couple more, but I can't see them listed in the browse window. Hrm.

Winter Wonderland...Sort Of

It started snowing fat, wet, blobby flakes around 6-ish, and snowed a good two hours. Now it's raining, and the beauty is slowly disappearing. Many of the northern counties are getting several inches of snow.

There is something wonderful and nostalgic about snow... Nothing like the snows I used to detest back in grad school, the kind that would last for months, the salt wearing holes in the bottom of your shoes. Today's snow was just pretty enough to be evocative, but not provocative. ;-) It will all be gone by tomorrow, but that's ok.

I took a few pictures from my porch. If I knew how to paste them into the body of a post, I would. Imogen knows... I should ask her.

Stay warm.

A Little of This, A Little of That

Calling the bank has only assured me that they will "examine" the situation. Calling Bellsouth was a waste of time. They handed me around to 4 different people, all of whom said since I don't have an account with them, there's no way they could have charged me $162.47. Thanks, that was so helpful. Hopefully, the bank will figure out what happened. Meanwhile, I need to alert the credit bureaus... I wish I knew how to do that.

The new semester is alright so far--only two weeks into it, it's hard to say. I do have two former students whom I liked before, so it's nice to see them again. I'm hoping good things will happen this semester. I can't stand any more badness...

...like the student who missed an A by 6 points because of her attendance (it was poor), who then went to my supervisor and demanded that I change the grade. And I had to change it, even though I objected being coerced. See, that's what I hate about teaching. If a student bitches enough to the right people, it doesn't matter that she earned a B--she can go above the professor's head and the professor has to change the grade. How fair is that? Not fair.

Oy.

I Just Found Out...

...that my identity has been stolen. Someone charged $162 in an EFT charge on my bank account for phone services to Bellsouth--which I do not even subscribe to. More than that, the charge overdrew me by $131 in my account, so the bank slapped me with a $25 fee. You can damn well bet I'm calling both my bank and Bellsouth tomorrow.

FUCK.

Deep Dark Blues Must Be Catching

I just read Maude Lebowski's blog, and she's having a really tough day, as am I. I tried to get out of the house and get some fresh air--walked the malls (though, I'm not a mall person, but I wanted to use a giftcard that Boyfriend's sister gave me for Christmas), saw The Waterhorse, but the movie, which started out cute, became depressing and horrible as the Royal Navy began shooting giant cannons at "Crusoe" (aka, the Loch Ness Monster). In fact, it was scary and awful, and I started to cry. I probably should have left the theater, but I didn't.

I don't want to start another semester; I have a bad feeling that they won't be hiring me as a full time advisor, because my boss has been very cold to me ever since I started chemo, and now I'm terrified that come May, I will be jobless. I'm not ready to move back home with my Mom--I love her of course, and frankly, would love to live back in my hometown, but I can't go home to her and leave my Beloved.

I guess I just feel everything is futile today, and I am two inches away from bawling my eyes out, and I hate feeling like that.

Great News!

My landlord finally sent someone round to fix the broken glass window that I patched up with tape in July!

Now, if she'll send someone to fix my busted fridge and freezer before I starve to death...

Monday, Tuesday, Chemoday...

Today was my fourth go-round with chemo. It was really painful today, and I was sick three times. Afterwards, we ran a couple of errands, and then I came home and went to bed.

But I'm up for the season premiere of Law & Order.

And tomorrow my Mom goes back home, and my heart is breaking.

I Feel a Little Silly Today

No reason especially. Just maybe it's the irrepressible feeling that GOOD THINGS MUST HAPPEN THIS YEAR, because short of my dying in a freak meteor collision, it can't possibly get much worse. Of course, I realize by typing that I have damned myself. But hey, if a meteor hit me, at least it would be fast.

Happy New Year, my friends.