tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86560991017462335032024-02-07T00:17:22.958-05:00I'm Not Emo, But My Soul Kinda Sucks Right NowConfessions of a Sad, Fat Mermaid LoverMermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-47608661580947174202009-09-16T22:16:00.003-04:002009-09-16T22:38:42.485-04:00This Is a Post About Writing......which would be something I should put in my journal with my name on it.<br /><br />However, since it's about the ass-shattery of my writing group partners, and they read my writing blog, I thought it would be best to put it here where my name is not prominently displayed anywhere.<br /><br />Ok, so here's the thing. I write a lot of narrative poems. Sometimes I write lyrics, but not often. They don't really interest me, and I like the confessional quality of narrative poems. My writing group does NOT like narrative poems as a rule. Which makes being in that writing group a pain in the butt.<br /><br />Today, Group Member A nickle-and-dimed practically each line of the poem. Group Member B (a.k.a. Hot Shot Poet with a Balloon Head) said, "I've drawn a line here, and think you should cut the first four stanzas." Which was basically half the poem. Group Member C I have no complaints about--he usually makes good points and nearly always supports my poem against A & B. Which, as usual, he did again. And this is a Very Brilliant Professor Who Knows More About Poetry Than God.<br /><br />Balloon Head is really getting on my nerves these days. She thinks just cuz she has a new book out and 2 chapbooks that her $hi+ don't stink. I'm sick, sick, sick of it.<br /><br />As for Nickle-and-Dime guy--I like him as a person, but he really thinks he knows everything.<br /><br />Bleah. I'm grumpy and tired. And the truth is, maybe my poems do need some work, but I don't think that just because they are in a different style from the other group members that that automatically makes them not worth a damn.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-54602956075259669262009-08-16T10:55:00.004-04:002009-08-16T11:29:08.872-04:00I'll Try to Be a Little More Present, I PromiseI've been writing in my new blog--the one under my actual name--which is why I haven't been here recently. The point of the new blog is to kind of talk about my writing, and it's less personal because of it. Another reason I started that blog has to do with the fact that I REALLY need to become part of the poetry community. I've spent most of my life staying unnoticed, out of the limelight, etc., and what has it gotten me? Nothing. I've got to promote my name (my "brand," if you will) if I hope to get my work published and noticed. So, no more shrinking violet.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm through with the drama associated with talking about my family--particularly my asshole father and his psychotic asshole wife. After the whole $hi+ with my dad not showing up to my wedding because his wife said she would divorce him if he came AND HE BELIEVED IT, THE MORON (he is the gravy train, after all, and she's too much of a lazy ass to do anything even approaching divorcing him), the only place where I'll talk about them--if I talk about them, and they're so boring, I probably won't--is here, which is anonymous (as far as I know). And if it's not, and somehow they find this blog too, well, I'm beyond caring.<br /><br />Anyway, the new blog is focused on my writing, which kind of leaves everything else unexplored, so today I thought I'd write here just to catch up.<br /><br />Things are going pretty well. I've written 13 poems in the last 16 days, which makes me feel accomplished. My marriage (it feels weird to say that!) is also going well, though I've sort of (but not quite) given up on the hopes for a clean house. He just doesn't want to help, and the place is so big, that I can't really do it myself. My Mom is coming in a few weeks, so whether he wants to help or not, he's going to, or I will resort to beating him with my shoe.<br /><br />About the only thing that is not going well is my health--and it's all related to that damn cancer I had in 2007-2008. It's like every time I go to the doctor, she puts me on some new medication because some part of my body is failing. I don't really talk about it to anyone, husband included, because I just feel like what's the point? The next time I go for a blood test, she'll find someone else that's bad. And I don't want to be one of those people who all she does is talk about how bad her health is. Speaking of which, I need to go to Target today and drop off 3 new prescriptions. Yippee.<br /><br />I need to get back to reading all the blogs I used to. I sort of got out of the habit when I was spending all that time getting ready for the wedding. I apologize to the people I used to read--I didn't forget them. I just got a little preoccupied.<br /><br />Love to all!Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-8342356955887460572009-07-18T21:26:00.004-04:002009-07-18T21:28:52.581-04:00I'm Sad LatelyI don't know if it's just the summer, if it's my health (which has been kind of bad lately), or if I'm just going through a depressive cycle, but I've been sad. Husband doesn't understand it, keeps asking about what's wrong, what's wrong. And I just don't know. I'm just unhappy. <br /><br />I know adjusting to such a life change can make things hard. I just feel... empty.<br /><br />More later. Husband needs something.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-10381143125553506442009-05-19T18:37:00.002-04:002009-05-19T18:45:20.644-04:00Post WeddingSo, with the one exception that I fell down the stairs (but fortunately not when I was making my bridal entrance), the wedding was great. Good friends, good food (not that I tasted it), and a great venue made everything perfect. I could have wished that some of my best friends would have been able to come, but the ones who did come were awesome. <br /><br />Everything was awesome actually. Including the wedding night--which was itself a total surprise, because you'd think we'd been there, done that. But Husband had a few tricks up his sleeve, and it was really, really nice. I was impressed... but that's all you're going to hear, because I don't want to make you blush.<br /><br />Love to all,<br />MMermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-49535031801352028702009-05-06T20:26:00.002-04:002009-05-06T20:31:38.091-04:00A Litle CalmerI'm feeling a little better than yesterday. I was really worked up, mostly because I was really tired and it just doesn't seem like the wedding will work out like I hoped. I guess in 10 days we'll see.<br /><br />Fiance and I picked up our wedding rings today. They are lovely--and not traditional at all. (We're trying hard not to buy into wedding "traditions," since we know that's all BS devised by a greedy, grasping wedding industry.)<br /><br />I guess I don't have much to say tonight.<br /><br />Hope all are well.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-59963013535078466852009-05-05T16:48:00.006-04:002009-05-05T17:58:27.233-04:00I'll Be So Glad When This Damn Wedding Is Over<span style="font-weight:bold;">WARNING: THIS IS A BITCHY RANT, NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.</span><br /><br />I realize weddings are stressful, and no bride REALLY enjoys all the accompanying bullshit. But let me tell you about how bad it's been, and then you tell me whether or not I should just pack it in and swallow a bottle of bleach:<br /><br />1. We called the original place I wanted to have the wedding 40 times. This is no lie. And they never called back. I also e-mailed them and snail mailed. They also don't answer their door when someone knocks. Nothing.<br /><br />2. I hate the wedding dress. It took me forever to find it, and when I did it looked nice on the website. It cost $350, final sale, no returns. It looks like shit. It's cheap and see-through. And not in a good way.<br /><br />3. We called and called and called musicians, hoping to get some response. Apparently, the economy isn't hurting the musician trade, because only one called back. The one who called back is awesome--plays the EXACT music that Fiance and I love--but wanted $8000 plus travel/ hotel expenses. Um...no... So, not sure if we have music or not.<br /><br />4. The second-choice place we got to have the wedding and reception BURNED DOWN. The owners were completely unwilling to help us find another place, and they didn't re-imburse me for invitations (so I sent out invitations with the wrong information), and they were almost not going to give us back our deposit. Also, they were the caterers too, so we suddenly had to find a new venue AND new caterers.<br /><br />5. Almost NONE of our friends are coming to this wedding, with a couple of exceptions, and those people we're really grateful for, so don't get me wrong. But as for the rest of them... Most of our so-called friends haven't even responded to e-mails and calls--forget mailing back the GD response cards. I really expected better. "Assholes" is the word that comes to mind to describe these people--including 2 best friends, one whom I've known since 1989, and another since 1993. Oh, and the one I've known since 1993? She was going to be the minister, and I even offered to PAY HER AIRFARE AND HOTEL. And now 4 days ago, "Oh, sorry, can't come, can't afford it." Well, FUCK YOU.<br /><br />6. The photographer quoted Mom as $500 and me as $750. When asked to explain the difference, he said, "I don't like to do weddings." Great. Not sure if we have a photographer at this point.<br /><br />7. After I told my father why his wife is not invited to the wedding, he said he doesn't understand why I'm "closing the door" when I should be "leaving the door open" to her. This is the same woman who abused me and my sister since we were children. This is the same woman who has not allowed me at their house since 2006. This is the same woman who misbehaved so badly at my sister's wedding that we were all humiliated. And he's giving me etiquette tips about how I should have invited both of them? Excuse me?<br /><br />8. The baker has no recollection of us making an order. He also accused us of stealing his cake photo album. WTF? I brought the picture of the cake I wanted WITH ME. I don't know what he's talking about.<br /><br />9. The florist says she's not sure she can do anything with a budget of $500. Nice.<br /><br />10. I lost the stone out of my engagement ring, and obviously haven't been wearing it since last October or November. Fiance was very unhappy about this. But then, when you buy a cheap-ass ring, what do you expect?<br /><br />11. Can't find any wine we like that we can afford. I've tried 16 different bottles of red and white wines just trying to find something that doesn't suck. AND I DON'T F-ING DRINK. And when I asked my asshole father who does know something about wine if he could suggest any, and he was all "you should try several kinds and see what you like." No shit. Now, he's told me that he'll supply the wine for the wedding. Since there will only be 25 people there, I figure he'll probably only buy like 8-10 bottles of wine. This is his only contribution to the wedding. He gave my sister $7000. (Not that I begrudge her a penny. But if he wonders about why we have a bad relationship, he only has to think about how selfish and shitty he is. Not that he would, because he thinks he's a perfect father. Asshole.)<br /><br />12. We finally found a new place for the wedding and the reception. However, the owner fancies himself a gourmet, and only wanted to do sit-down dinners, all of which included MEAT as the entree. Considering many of my friends (not that they're coming, assholes) and my family are vegetarians, this is a problem. So I finally lobbied for him just to do hors d'ouvres (which is what I wanted in the first place), and then he said that the things I liked aren't things he likes to make, so not sure what we're eating.<br /><br />13. Fiance has been no help whatsoever re: anything wedding related. I've picked everything because he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care about ANYTHING and hasn't lifted a finger. And he was the one who wanted the damn wedding in the first place.<br /><br />I'll tell you what, I've tried to really be calm about this whole thing, even though everything has sucked, but I'm so damn sick of it. The worst part is that people I really counted on to come to this wedding--people I've been there for and supported and loved--have blown me off. How is that right?Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-89072986237404300732008-10-07T11:12:00.002-04:002008-10-07T11:16:05.668-04:00A Boring Day at WorkSo far, three people who had appointments with me today haven't shown up. I wouldn't mind this so much if I had something to really do, but right now, I don't. I could possibly write a poem, but I don't know what on. Not feeling very poemy. Feeling quite hungry though.<br /><br />And I would have gotten a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cream cheese at the bagel place in the student center, but they were "out." How they could be out at 7:50, when they only open at 7:30 is beyond me. They were "out" yesterday too. Bastards.<br /><br />Well, maybe I'll go over to the student center and try the bagel place again... I realllly want a bagel.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-45476626579526995472008-09-28T20:03:00.003-04:002008-10-07T11:11:49.562-04:00I Hate Breakups... Even When They're Not Happening to MeMy friends K & C finally called it quits today. I just hurt for both of them... I think they've been together 12 years, and it sucks, and I'm really sad. Because I was K's friend first, but I'm C's friend too... and I don't know what to say to either of them, except I'm sorry.<br /><br />And I know this is weird... but it makes me feel scared too. Like, if people like them could break up, people I thought were together for the long haul, what chance do the rest of us have?Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-16079062942725136062008-09-24T09:08:00.003-04:002008-09-24T09:17:39.687-04:00Where Have I Been?It seems the rest of the summer got away from me. Mostly I've just been working every day, and while it seemed ok when I was doing it part-time, full-time has its disadvantages... mostly long blocks of time where not much happens. Part of this is because it's after registration, and students won't be coming in again till the end of October when registration starts up. <br /><br />Part of it has to do, probably, with the fact I've never had a 40 hour a week job, and I'm not used to being at work and not having anything to do. When I was teaching, I came in to teach, did my office hours (including my part-time advising hours), and went home... to do other things, like laundry (which I'm sorely behind on) or cleaning the house or grocery shopping. Now when I get home, the last thing I want to do is those chores. (Granted, I never want to do laundry since I have to go out to do it... but hopefully I'll find a new place to live soon, and it WILL have a washer and dryer, or I'm not moving in.)<br /><br />Fiance and I are fine. He's actually coming up today to stay until Friday morning. There's a lecture he wants to go to tomorrow night, and he doesn't have to work, so he figured he'd come in for a quick visit. As it happens, I'm going down his way for a conference on Friday/ Saturday, and the plan was that we'd spend Saturday night and Sunday together... but he forgot to request those days off. So I'll be coming back home. <br /><br />Which is just as well, so I can take care of His Magesty, whom I don't really like to leave alone, anyway. I know how he hates not being able to go outside. And I don't feel comfortable leaving the back window open--not because I worry that anyone would break in (though, in a large city, that's ALWAYS a possibility), but mainly because I don't want to come home to find that there are dead--or living!--chipmunks running around. I'm about done with the chipmunk crap, frankly.<br /><br />I will say, the one good thing about this job is that when I have large blocks of unoccupied time, I fill it with writing poems, and that makes me ever so much happier a person.<br /><br />Hoping everyone is well.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-56527766762322357902008-07-09T19:52:00.002-04:002008-07-09T21:13:50.942-04:00Job ThingsAfter a lot of chaos, I finally got the permanent advisor job. Today was my third day at work. While I have been doing advising for a year now, I wasn't prepared for the 40-hour-a-week grind, and my butt gets sore from sitting all day, and pretty much from 2-4:30 I'm sooooo bored. But I'll get used to it, and like it too, I hope.<br /><br />I figure, I'm committed to staying at this school at least as long as it takes my fiance to go through graduate school. There is a dual Master's in Public Policy/ Urban Planning program that would be fantastic if he could get into. His undergraduate grades are uneven at best. They have been better since he's been back to school, and perhaps the Admissions Committee will take that into consideration. But this is a tough school to get into, and they expect brilliance. I love my honey, but I think he's burned too many brain cells over the years to be considered brilliant. But perhaps he tests well. Maybe he'll do really well on the GRE. I hope he considers taking a Kaplan course on the GRE so that he'll do really well on it.<br /><br />Oh, yikes I'm suddenly exhausted. I'll write more later.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-43974708380713707152008-06-21T14:47:00.002-04:002008-06-21T14:49:53.351-04:00Weird But TrueThe advising job I applied for--you needed 4 years work experience in a university setting. Human Resources kicked my application out as unsuitable because they somehow missed I've had 12 years experience.<br /><br />I rewrote my letter and am going to resubmit it on Monday (the last day of the job being open) so that they are aware I have 12 years experience. Idiots.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-42428503681990511942008-06-09T16:30:00.003-04:002008-06-09T16:33:10.512-04:00Calmed DownI'm not a deranged bitch like I was the other day. C and I talked, and things are better. I still don't know what to do about the wedding, but I have other things to think about... like the fact that I don't know if I have a job beyond June. And also there is always my health to worry me, but that's too boring to contemplate right now.<br /><br />All in all, I'm just trying to survive another day.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-43770629321440549862008-06-05T09:45:00.003-04:002008-06-05T10:01:47.303-04:00AngryI seem to be angry all the time lately. Or if not angry, then bored. And I know what this means: a depression coming on, and the thought of that just makes me tremble, because I know how debilitating my depressions can be. And I have neither meds nor a psychologist to get me through.<br /><br />It's not like I haven't tried to find a psychologist, but Blue Cross is being really shitty lately. And I don't have the money because I got the latest bill from the oncologist, and it's $1700 and I still haven't gotten the latest bill from the hospital.<br /><br />And on top of it all, C's parents said they'll maybe only give $1500 toward the wedding, and even with Mom's matching agreement, that is only $3000 for a wedding. Who the fuck can have a wedding on $3000? I have saved in my secret stash $1200, but I was going to use that towards financing the honeymoon. I'm so mad at his cheapskate parents I couldn't even talk to him last night. They're so fucking selfish. And they make hella lot more money than my Mother does, and she was prepared to give $5000!<br /><br />I don't even want the fanciest, ritziest wedding, but with $3000 I'd be lucky to serve cake and ice cream afterwards. And the part that really makes me mad is that in my heart of hearts, I really think C did a shitty job of asking his father for money. I suspect he was mealy-mouthed and said we'd take whatever they could give, instead of being honest and direct and saying we need $5000. If I didn't have all these damn medical bills, I could afford to pay for most of the wedding on my own, but it just makes me so angry that they couldn't even pony up a legitimate donation to the wedding.<br /><br />And C hasn't even tried to save any money. I just don't think that in this day and age the bride's family should have to pay for the whole thing, with the exception of $1500. It would be one thing if C had a real job and was bringing in $30,000 a year. It's not like in the old days when the groom supported the bride. I mean, I'm the one who's going to support him in grad school. I'm the one who's paid for all these goddamn medical bills when his fucking sperm contributed to my disease. I pretty much pay every time we go out to dinner, and I'm the one who drives down there way more than he comes here. And I'm sick of it. <br /><br />Everything's money money money, and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of how cheap C and his parents are, and I'm sick of this wedding already. I'm sick to death.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-24191314849683710232008-05-12T20:27:00.003-04:002008-05-12T20:35:18.750-04:00Somebody Shoot MeSo, I've been going to work every since the semester ended, doing my advisory work--answering student e-mails about registration and what-not, holding office hours, meeting with students, because I am under the assumption that I am getting paid.<br /><br />When I took over as assistant advisor, I was told I would get paid for fall, spring, and summer. But, I sent an e-mail to the head of the department several weeks ago to confirm this, when the person I directly report to made a funny noise when I brought up summer employment to her. (Even though she was the one who told me I would get adjunct pay for summer.) I didn't sign up for summer teaching because I was told I was getting paid for summer. Hence, la la la, I'm thinking I'm getting paid.<br /><br />Well, I went to the office manager of our department and checked to make sure that I would be getting paid. She looked at her papers and said, "You're not on the summer budget."<br /><br />Son of a bitch.<br /><br />I go into the Vice-Chair's office and say what the hell is this? If I'm not getting paid for the summer what am I supposed to do about health care? Why have I been coming to work? I sure as hell wasn't planning on volunteering for the summer. And I sure as hell would have signed up for summer teaching.<br /><br />I'm so pissed I can't even tell you. And I'm really pissed at the person I have been directly reporting to, because she's the one who promised me summer money and she was the one who should have made sure to put me in the budget. I'm livid really. Because now I have no money for the summer, and nobody at that fucking school gives a goddamn about it.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-57026853689178801132008-05-11T11:28:00.003-04:002008-05-11T11:34:31.166-04:00UpdateThis week I am going to a big cancer hospital back home for testing and a second opinion. Anyway, I like to spend my birthday with my Mom, and Friday is my birthday.<br /><br />Actually, I don't really even care about the second opinion. In fact, I'd rather not do it, because I just want to quit. Period. No more. And I can't afford it. But Mom and C both want me to do it, so ok, I'm going for it.<br /><br />But before I leave on Tuesday (I think), I have another meeting with the head of the department tomorrow, and hopefully this one will be more clear as to whether a job is really going to manifest for me, or whether I should just go home for good. I don't know why they wouldn't want to give me a job--I'm good at advising; I like it, and the students like me. So hopefully I will have some good news tomorrow. Because I'm not loving this flux I'm in. I'm just not a fluxy person.<br /><br />Other than that, things are quiet. Hope you all are doing well.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-36784474282950271442008-04-26T16:30:00.002-04:002008-04-26T16:34:30.807-04:00Out of TouchI've been busy doing absolutely nothing for the last several weeks. I am tired, in debt, sick of mounting medical bills, and worried about the lack-of-job sitch. The cancer isn't responding to the treatment, my doctor thinks maybe I have something else, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.<br /><br />Really, everything kind of bites. And I have about 4000 papers to grade before grades are due. Plus, I have to clean out my office. There's a depressing thought.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-12903308408339802182008-04-05T18:57:00.001-04:002008-04-05T18:58:41.323-04:00PET ScanOh, sorry, got the bill today. The PET scan was $3881, not $3000. Nice.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-21780086945086900102008-04-05T14:07:00.004-04:002008-04-05T14:25:04.756-04:00Wedding ThingsDid I mention C & I are officially engaged?<br /><br />I've been avoiding grading by looking at wedding websites. I was looking at invitations and save-the-date cards on Crane paper, which I will not be able to afford, even though Crane paper is so very elegant. I found another website called The Knot which has all manner of things, from budgeting info, to a guest list keeper, to 12-month planners. My Mom said her boss at work (who got married in December) suggested it, so I checked it out and it's pretty cool.<br /><br />And I ordered 3 books from Amazon: <span style="font-style:italic;">Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5th ed.</span>, <span style="font-style:italic;">Your Stress-Free Wedding Planner</span>, and for a sociological perspective, <span style="font-style:italic;">One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding</span>. Hopefully that last book will keep me from becoming a maniac.<br /><br />And C and I have been kicking around ideas for where to have the wedding/ reception. I'd like to do something unique and unusual, and C pretty much says whatever I want. He's amenable like that. Of course, I won't let him get out of doing plenty of the work--he's not going to use the excuse of whatever I want to get out of making decisions.<br /><br />Of course, I don't know where I'll get the money for this wedding. (I'm certainly not asking my asshole father for penny one.) I keep hemorrhaging money with this stupid cancer treatment that's not working. It's a good thing I'm seeing the oncologist on Monday because I'm going to ask her if I can just quit chemo since it doesn't seem to be doing anything and the pet scan showed nothing. C and my other friends keep saying "Well, you should stick with the chemo in case the cancer spreads." All I can say is THE PET SCAN SHOWED NOTHING. A $3000 test showed nothing. So clearly I must not have cancer. I almost wonder if the oncologist was wrong, and I've been suffering for four months with chemo for nothing at all. (Gahh, if I think about that too much, I become irate.)<br /><br />Anyway... the dog next door is barking its insane head off, and I need to grade. Love to all.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-64676381805024032632008-03-24T10:33:00.002-04:002008-03-24T10:37:48.021-04:00DecisionI've decided if that PET scan I did on Friday reveals nothing of any significance, I'm going to quit cancer treatments. 3 months of treatments hasn't managed to accomplish anything, so why should I continue down a path that just makes me tired, sick, and lethargic? Moreover, my medical bills are killing me and I just can't afford to keep getting $900 treatments that don't seem to work. I'm tired and bored, and I've had enough.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-15616097728567998652008-02-26T19:57:00.003-05:002008-02-26T20:10:02.978-05:00On Very Personal HealthI really needed to do laundry today. So instead I took a long nap. Then I graded for a while, and now I'm goofing off online. I suck.<br /><br />Actually I took the nap to head off a headache that was starting. Because of the chemo, I'm not supposed to use Advil, but after 6 days of headaches last week, I begged and pleaded to the nurse practitioner and the oncology nurse to let me have Advil. They must know me because they said they'll allow me to take one or two once in a very great while, but I can't "eat it like candy." Which is scary. Because before chemo, I did eat Advil like candy. I mean, why take one or two when five or six will knock out cramps or migraines? I probably have no liver. But they said I need to use Advil sparingly because of the risk of uncontrolled bleeding. I don't plan on injuring myself, so I'd like to ignore the no candy-eating rule, but I'll be a good girl.<br /><br />It helps that I haven't had a period since forever. (I'm not counting all the bleeding I had after the surgery where I was going through pads like every hour [since I wasn't allowed to use tampons].) Of course, I don't have periods because I'm skipping the white pills and going onto the next month's birth control pack. And I realize this is kind of a bad thing to do because of the risk to my heart and the rest of my body from all the extra hormones, but without PMS and MS, my mood is better, I can cope with my disease better, and I'm just a nicer person to be around. I figure, as long as I'm forced to be on birth control for at least a year, and possibly longer due to cancer, I may as well make it worthwhile by being period-free.<br /><br />I think the nurse practitioner isn't too happy with this decision. But then she didn't have a miscarriage, a D&C, and copious amounts of bleeding for 6 weeks straight. (I have 3 pairs of stained jeans I can't get clean because the bleeding was so bad.)<br /><br />Anyway. These are just the random thoughts of my mind today.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-36442207840338696032008-02-24T14:29:00.003-05:002008-02-24T14:53:07.609-05:00Inconsequential Things... Like My HealthI'm feeling kind of sick to my stomach today, and I've spent a good part of the day in bed. I did get myself on the couch to watch the 2005 <span style="font-style:italic;">Pride & Prejudice</span>, which I'd give a B/B- to. Let's face it, the BBC one that ran on A&E will always be the standard to which all other adaptations are measured. It's all about Mr. Darcy isn't it? The guy who played Mr. Darcy in this movie was ok, but he was no Colin Firth. Well, and while we're at it, Keira Knightley is no Jennifer Ehle.<br /><br />Afterwards, I went back down for a nappie, like a baby. I however also managed to bathe at one point. This is important because the last few days I haven't felt even up to that. I didn't feel up to it today either, but noxious smells were emanating from my body and I needed to get clean. Now I smell lovely, which I'm sure Snorky is glad for. He's been keeping me company in the bed. I know my offensiveness was bothering him. He can be very fastidious, even for a cat.<br /><br />Nothing much is going on. C's brother's wedding is in 2 weekends, and I'm half-way looking forward to getting out of Atlanta, at least for a couple of days. Of course, it will be a chemo weekend, and that means I'll be really tired and puny. And C still hasn't told his parents that I have cancer. I don't know what he's waiting for--a written invitation? I'm just afraid that I'll be tired and subdued at the wedding and his family will think I have no personality or energy or otherwise make assumptions about me that aren't true, which will then influence them not to like me. I've tried explaining this to C but he keeps giving me the runaround. I told him if he doesn't tell them in the next few days, I'm writing them a letter. Maybe that will galvanize him. <br /><br />I really don't understand his hesitancy. He ran to them to tell them all the gruesome details of the botched pregnancy and my D&C and my ubiquitous bleeding--the stuff I didn't want them to know about. But I think they should know about the cancer, and he won't tell them. Maybe he thinks they'll freak out. But both his mother and sister are nurses, so it's not like they won't have any understanding. Whatever.<br /><br />The next door yapping dog won't shut up. I wish I could slip it a mickey.<br /><br />Hope everyone's ok.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-65369811965380234352008-02-17T19:50:00.002-05:002008-02-17T19:58:19.465-05:00Quick Check-InI am sitting here with a cat on my right side and a stack of papers on my left. Plus I have to read 6 chapters in my crappola Tech Comm book for tomorrow's Tech Comm seminar, which I have absolutely no interest in doing AND I have to make a presentation on one of the chapters, which I tried reading, and which made me have to take a nap earlier, it was so boring.<br /><br />Granted, I didn't take a long nap, mostly because I couldn't get comfortable. I've had a migraine-esque headache for the last several days, and of course you know I am not SUPPOSED to take Advil while I'm on chemo. But yesterday I broke down and took 5, chemo be damned. I was going to die from a headache. When I go get chemo on Wednesday, I'm going to talk to them about what I can do for when I have headaches, because I've said it before and I'll say it again, Tylenol is stupid and doesn't work. Today it was mostly just a dull throbbing, nothing that I bothered taking a pill for.<br /><br />Other than that, not much is news. Same ol' same ol. And I'm kind of grumpy and hungry, but I already ate dinner, so I have no idea why I'm ravenous.<br /><br />Hope everyone's ok.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-71841224733763937282008-02-14T20:14:00.003-05:002008-02-14T20:18:57.156-05:00A Kiss for My FriendsChocolates and tulips,<br />a pillow spilled with stardust:<br />Valentine for you.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-79307527960124652522008-02-09T20:25:00.000-05:002008-02-09T20:29:22.210-05:00New TreatmentThe doctor didn't like my last bloodtest and said the cancer wasn't responding. So I've been switched to a new treatment, a more aggressive one that knocks my ass out and makes me so sick. I thought the other treatment wasn't great, but this is worse.<br /><br />I was exhausted all day yesterday, and I had to go onto campus for a meeting. Two hours total, and I thought I would die. Today, I didn't even get out of bed till almost 5, and it's not even 8:30, and I'm thinking of going back to bed.<br /><br />I've been managing alright. But now I'm afraid that this new treatment (which takes about a couple of hours to administer) is going to make things very, very hard for me.<br /><br />I wish I could give up cancer for Lent.Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8656099101746233503.post-44831579009868140812008-01-31T21:47:00.000-05:002008-01-31T22:03:47.057-05:00Day After<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGMRdtk6y6XW6ohulIgrXTr3kAsaEK21PagFMoXcI9MlV48iPL_l3S6-biWirMsKDknsaOHDofpCLnJqs8Dvdy0FAWtKuaF-6XlP5rhImKMJoUI2M8tQa1AZQ1bNBDqK0LRzhd-Fh-u0/s1600-h/Dozing+Snorky.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGMRdtk6y6XW6ohulIgrXTr3kAsaEK21PagFMoXcI9MlV48iPL_l3S6-biWirMsKDknsaOHDofpCLnJqs8Dvdy0FAWtKuaF-6XlP5rhImKMJoUI2M8tQa1AZQ1bNBDqK0LRzhd-Fh-u0/s320/Dozing+Snorky.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161842069246900850" /></a><br /><br />They've decided to put me on anti-nausea pills round the clock, so I have to take one of the pills ever 6 hours. Actually, I wish they had told me to do this weeks ago, because today really wasn't too bad. I actually had an appetite today, and the pills kept me from feeling gross. Right now I feel a little sick and light-headed, but that's because I need to take another dose.<br /><br />B/f came up last night and I can't say I was very good company... I went to sleep around 7; my Mom woke me up at 10 till 10 to ask how I was feeling and to remind me that there was a new Law & Order on, and so I got up to watch that, then I went back to sleep, and slept the sleep of the dead.<br /><br />Well, except for the 4 times Kitteh wanted in and out. And of course C didn't manage to hear any of the times the cat wanted in or out. Of course. *Sigh*<br /><br />I was sleepy for a lot of today, but while I was up, I watched <span style="font-style:italic;">Evan Almighty</span>. It wasn't very funny, but it was kind of cute, so it was a nice diversion.<br /><br />Anyway, here are a few more new pictures of His Highness. I thought you might enjoy seeing how handsome he is lately.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRnHl1qfgjM1thNoC9WdD6NCufFKBXPtEu4eALOJSHh0aM-p5tsyaGCVsIcc6QtIaWJDavJFxOn7FXou0HObw8EVCCRoV98b9ChgWo81rUyse1RnvSynGbArrtRLgC0KbddTq-8Bk7Oj0/s1600-h/Snorky,+Super+Curl!.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRnHl1qfgjM1thNoC9WdD6NCufFKBXPtEu4eALOJSHh0aM-p5tsyaGCVsIcc6QtIaWJDavJFxOn7FXou0HObw8EVCCRoV98b9ChgWo81rUyse1RnvSynGbArrtRLgC0KbddTq-8Bk7Oj0/s320/Snorky,+Super+Curl!.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161840424274426402" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU7SXB-bEc0EMMpS_Xl9VzyWJxx9QIRtNXmSHqBLjTuspci6uav2p-FcFfZPvePXuNDfTrlthP5wXBb1nhhotEUqK4LkH0KH8UjY25IxFWK1YV_mUhrzM-4-QWzEKmzQiex_CfzwGGeKk/s1600-h/Snorky+on+the+Couch,+looking+Left.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU7SXB-bEc0EMMpS_Xl9VzyWJxx9QIRtNXmSHqBLjTuspci6uav2p-FcFfZPvePXuNDfTrlthP5wXBb1nhhotEUqK4LkH0KH8UjY25IxFWK1YV_mUhrzM-4-QWzEKmzQiex_CfzwGGeKk/s320/Snorky+on+the+Couch,+looking+Left.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161840634727823922" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2KC0lIR46E8onPXsMn6zsVPyWW70Px_3q8dHgoEq7ffAMSlqcX4RId2RIQHCfSZhqOnQ7nQfHWK27wxgdnmlcD2hBcP9cZsNdTK226GhQYwoZJenZZDeC2_JPQnQHzQkGhnqz-1CZvwM/s1600-h/Snorky+Curl,+Upside+Down.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2KC0lIR46E8onPXsMn6zsVPyWW70Px_3q8dHgoEq7ffAMSlqcX4RId2RIQHCfSZhqOnQ7nQfHWK27wxgdnmlcD2hBcP9cZsNdTK226GhQYwoZJenZZDeC2_JPQnQHzQkGhnqz-1CZvwM/s320/Snorky+Curl,+Upside+Down.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161840832296319554" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitl1OYJfrTSrbi9rTzeg1upKctpFRJuW7zyoKp99Z5JQ0Q1dX8v2QyjpKdGkPpjw-kMh2BlmEzvrGRgeFWsbDcAZfdOJmbgmlOG1YOWfyaiJqXmLlVfytB6YOMRhHyBWoX3lAHIKDEJsI/s1600-h/Snorky+on+the+Couch,+looking+at+Camera.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitl1OYJfrTSrbi9rTzeg1upKctpFRJuW7zyoKp99Z5JQ0Q1dX8v2QyjpKdGkPpjw-kMh2BlmEzvrGRgeFWsbDcAZfdOJmbgmlOG1YOWfyaiJqXmLlVfytB6YOMRhHyBWoX3lAHIKDEJsI/s320/Snorky+on+the+Couch,+looking+at+Camera.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161841059929586258" /></a>Mermatriarchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04884558617518697158noreply@blogger.com0