Job Things, The Sequel

So, today I had a meeting with Guru (the New Writing & Communication Coordinator, who is a Full Professor, and a Professor Emeritus from her previous school), and she looked over my C.V. and talked to me about my future plans, and mentioned ways that I could improve the C.V. and how I articulate my teaching and the kinds of things I do in the classroom so as to make me stand out when it comes to people picking through job materials.

But among the things she said: a) only listing 3 examples of work under review is poor--I ought to have 10(!) listed, so as to demonstrate I am an active poet who actively submits work; b) that I need to write at least 3 essays (on place, spirituality, and family) since those are areas I focused on in my diss; c) that I need to cull about 30 poems from my diss, package them with these essays, and send this manuscript out to publishers by Halloween (!); and d) that I begin the research to write a collaborative paper with her about Tech Comm. I came out of the meeting ready to slit my wrists.

More than that, she said that while it's quite obvious that several people in the department would LOVE to keep me on as an advisor, that this is a "safe" job, and it's about time I spread my wings and leave the nest. That I should be a teacher, since that's where my heart is.

And what I said to her is that I don't know where my heart is. I'm not sure what I want to be "when I grow up." And what I didn't feel like I could admit is how absolutely little faith I have in myself. And why should I? I don't write. In some ways, I think going on the job market would be a waste of time because I really don't think that I would be an asset to any program. No matter how you package my C.V., there's just not anything there. Certainly not anything that would get me hired.

Of course, if I do all the work Guru wants (and as an aside, let me mention that a First Year came to me about writing a collaborative paper in Tech Comm about video games which I agreed to do way before this onslought of work Guru has piled on me), maybe I could get a job somewhere. I mean, there were quite a few creative writing jobs on the MLA list... but where would that leave me with Boyfriend?

If it's not one thing, it's six.

Job Things

Today I met with another Third Year and some people he knows at the Big Humanities School here in town and we talked about and workshopped job materials. It was really beneficial in the sense that they helped me to see some ways to improve my C.V. and also how to articulate and position my research in my job letter. And in some ways it was really depressing, because their C.V.s just seemed so impressive and demonstrated such a range of scholarship.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I can say that the reason I don't go to conferences is that I can't afford to fly (and more than that I HATE to fly), but the truth is, I just don't think I have any good ideas about researching. And when I do have good ideas, and start to write, I lose interest. Everything I write is an abortion. (Just like my poetry.)

It just makes me want to give up. But the truth is, I've already given up. Which is pretty sad, since the MLA job list just came out yesterday.

I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do with my life.

This & That

This weekend I read some poems at a "Local Authors" reading. I didn't really want to, but I did because I was asked to. Well, alright, that's a complete lie. I was told, rather unceremoniously, in the middle of summer that I would be reading at this thing. If I had realized back in July that the 2nd was Labor Day weekend, I would have passed. As it was, I went, read 7 poems, and then headed down to visit B/f.

He and I had a good time, even if it was just for Sunday night and yesterday day. Of course the house was beyond the pale, but he had fresh sheets down, so I'll take what I can get. We had a good time with each other. I really do love the big goof.

In other news, today and tomorrow are more long days at the office. And then my Mom is coming in for a few days on Thursday. So after I do accumulated weeks of laundry tonight, I have to clean the house. It's not really bad--it never is--but it could use some straightening. As always, the stacks of crap on the coffee table need to be beat back from taking over the living room, and the bathroom needs cleaning. Nothing arduous, just a bit time consuming.

And I still have to do the reading and assignment stuff for tomorrow. Bleah. It's always something.

Meetings!

I'm glad that I don't have to put in an appearance at work tomorrow, because I don't think I could stand having to ...er... sit through one more meeting this week. I had 2 on Tuesday, yesterday, and today. The ones today included a meeting for all the liberal arts college advisors, and also a faculty meeting for our department.

I can't complain too much about either of the meetings I attended today. The faculty meeting was over in less than an hour (!!!), and the advisors' meeting, which was an hour and a half, at least provided us with candy and drinks. (I'd have preferred lunch, but beggers can't be choosers, as they say.)

I'm really of two minds when it comes to meetings. There is something to be said for the energy and enthusiasm they can give you when you're actually discussing something interesting. In fact, it's often been my experience that good meetings really do spark ideas and creativity. However, we've all sat through meetings where they discuss useless trivialities till all you think about is how much more exciting it would be if someone would just come in with a high-powered vacuum and suck out your brain through your nose.

I suppose, if my boss manages to persuade the Higher Ups that they really need to hire me as an advisor full time, I can look forward to all kinds of meetings. But that would be ok. I'm not a meeting person. But I could become one if I were pulling in $50K a year. ;)

Space Cadet

That would be me.

As in, today was the department "Welcome to the New Semester" party which I RSVP'ed to... and totally forgot to go to.

Attending that would have been hella lot better than sitting on my ass today and doing nothing.... like not doing the reading for tomorrow, and not ironing my clothes, and not shaving my legs...

Sometimes, I really suck.

Poison for Dinner, Anyone?

How do you tell your boyfriend he can't cook, and that you'd rather eviscerate yourself with a rhinocerous horn than eat another one of his "specialties"?

I kid you not, his "eggplant parmesan" was the absolute most dreadful experiment in oil-soaked mushy eggplant, sans flavor, sans breading, and sans parmesan that I've even choked down in my life.

And this was our "anniversary" meal. Goddess help me, I thought I would die. Twice he's asked me if I liked it... and twice I've prevaricated along the lines of, "it's very different from the eggplant parmesan I've had before."

I would let this go as one of the relationship crosses I've had to bear, except he's told me that two lesbian friends of his are having a committment ceremony, and he's planning on "catering" (gasp, gag) their dinner with this..."food." I don't, in all conscience, know how I can allow him to ruin their special day with something so heinously bad. But I just don't know how I can tell him he can't cook.

I'm shuddering just thinking about all the leftovers that I have in the fridge. It's so nasty and vile, I don't even want to look at it in order to throw it out.

I know he thought he was doing a kind thing by cooking for our anniversary... but I really would have preferred to go out. Believe me, when he told me he decided he would cook, it took everything I had not to go and get the butcher knife and slit my wrists.

Apologia

Sometimes I write in an e-mail the vomitous bile that would be more appropriate for a blog.

Doggerel, I'm sorry.