Why I Need ANOTHER Blog....

...I need a place where no one knows me.

I have a LJ, I have a MySpace, I probably have a couple other blogs here or there, but I use these most frequently. Which isn't that frequently, unless it's for the most banal of posts, since everyone knows about them, and I need some privacy. Because I'm really fucking up in my life. I mean it. I am just betwixt and between and I just don't have any energy to do the kinds of things that I need to: mainly, get a new job.

I am a professor in academia. I teach at a tech school, but my job there is lousy--and it's temporary (I'm finishing year 2 on a 3 year gig). I need to find something better. But I just can't seem to do the work that I need to do to find another job. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to teach. If I could find a women's studies job--but then, I found one that would have been perfect, and I couldn't seem to get my portfolio together to apply. That's what I mean. I just seem to be stagnating.

I mean, I know that a job isn't going to fall out of the sky. I know that I have to make my teaching portfolio and do that other BS that academic jobs require--and yet I can't seem to motivate myself. I just...subsist. And I'm doing it badly.

I'm a failure. I know this. I have lots of people fooled, since I got my PhD and I teach at a good school, and even my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty together, but I'm really not. And the truth is, sometimes I'm really afraid that the depression that I've suffered my entire life is going to choke me to death... I feel it lurking, right around the corner. And I have health care. I could go to therapy (not that I make a lot of money to spend on therapy, since my student loans are ALSO choking me to death), but I can't even motivate myself enough to find a doctor. I'm just... stuck.

And scared.

And I really, really hate myself. I've been pretending I'm ok--everyone thinks I am. But I'm not.