Angry

I seem to be angry all the time lately. Or if not angry, then bored. And I know what this means: a depression coming on, and the thought of that just makes me tremble, because I know how debilitating my depressions can be. And I have neither meds nor a psychologist to get me through.

It's not like I haven't tried to find a psychologist, but Blue Cross is being really shitty lately. And I don't have the money because I got the latest bill from the oncologist, and it's $1700 and I still haven't gotten the latest bill from the hospital.

And on top of it all, C's parents said they'll maybe only give $1500 toward the wedding, and even with Mom's matching agreement, that is only $3000 for a wedding. Who the fuck can have a wedding on $3000? I have saved in my secret stash $1200, but I was going to use that towards financing the honeymoon. I'm so mad at his cheapskate parents I couldn't even talk to him last night. They're so fucking selfish. And they make hella lot more money than my Mother does, and she was prepared to give $5000!

I don't even want the fanciest, ritziest wedding, but with $3000 I'd be lucky to serve cake and ice cream afterwards. And the part that really makes me mad is that in my heart of hearts, I really think C did a shitty job of asking his father for money. I suspect he was mealy-mouthed and said we'd take whatever they could give, instead of being honest and direct and saying we need $5000. If I didn't have all these damn medical bills, I could afford to pay for most of the wedding on my own, but it just makes me so angry that they couldn't even pony up a legitimate donation to the wedding.

And C hasn't even tried to save any money. I just don't think that in this day and age the bride's family should have to pay for the whole thing, with the exception of $1500. It would be one thing if C had a real job and was bringing in $30,000 a year. It's not like in the old days when the groom supported the bride. I mean, I'm the one who's going to support him in grad school. I'm the one who's paid for all these goddamn medical bills when his fucking sperm contributed to my disease. I pretty much pay every time we go out to dinner, and I'm the one who drives down there way more than he comes here. And I'm sick of it.

Everything's money money money, and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of how cheap C and his parents are, and I'm sick of this wedding already. I'm sick to death.