Stupidities

B/f just called me, told me he was spending the night tomorrow. And I told him that I was disappointed that he couldn't be bothered to come and see me before tomorrow. I said that he could have left the conference at noon today; he could have been here by dinner time, and that I needed him, but apparently that didn't seem to matter to him.

I reminded him that every week, I go get chemo by myself, I'm exhausted by myself, and I'm sick by myself, and that he has not once spent any time with me after I've gone in for chemo. And he cried and got all emotional and started calling himself names, and I told him that I wasn't trying to blame him, but I feel pretty insignificant, totally second fiddle, to that conference he went to. I also reminded him that if he comes tomorrow and stays the night, I still have to leave the house at 8 a.m. in order to get to work on Tuesday, and we're hardly going to have any time together.

I told him I was pissed. What I should have said is that I don't want to see him tomorrow. Because I feel like his coming tomorrow for that brief visit is to assuage his guilt, and frankly, that's not going to fix things for me. But more than that, I'm pissed at myself because I should have told him yesterday when he mentioned what all the day's plans for today were that I needed him here. So once again, this is really my fault too, and that REALLY pisses me off.

Because I know he has no common sense. I know he can't read minds. So I should have expressed to him what my needs were, because maybe then I would have had a shot of getting them met. But I think I was just so stunned that he really didn't seem to understand how much I needed him that I let him do what he wanted to do (hang with those people from the conference), and in the process got infuriated.

As always, I am equally culpable. But honestly... how bright do you have to be to figure out your girlfriend needs help those first several days after a round of chemo? He could have gone to half the conference and spent the other half of the weekend with me. You know, if he had cancer, and I wanted to go to a conference that was not necessarily germane to my being, I think I would have blown the conference off and spent the weekend with him. But maybe that's just me.

I'm so disappointed. I expected better. But this is my fault too. And that's just as upsetting.