This Is a Post About Writing...

...which would be something I should put in my journal with my name on it.

However, since it's about the ass-shattery of my writing group partners, and they read my writing blog, I thought it would be best to put it here where my name is not prominently displayed anywhere.

Ok, so here's the thing. I write a lot of narrative poems. Sometimes I write lyrics, but not often. They don't really interest me, and I like the confessional quality of narrative poems. My writing group does NOT like narrative poems as a rule. Which makes being in that writing group a pain in the butt.

Today, Group Member A nickle-and-dimed practically each line of the poem. Group Member B (a.k.a. Hot Shot Poet with a Balloon Head) said, "I've drawn a line here, and think you should cut the first four stanzas." Which was basically half the poem. Group Member C I have no complaints about--he usually makes good points and nearly always supports my poem against A & B. Which, as usual, he did again. And this is a Very Brilliant Professor Who Knows More About Poetry Than God.

Balloon Head is really getting on my nerves these days. She thinks just cuz she has a new book out and 2 chapbooks that her $hi+ don't stink. I'm sick, sick, sick of it.

As for Nickle-and-Dime guy--I like him as a person, but he really thinks he knows everything.

Bleah. I'm grumpy and tired. And the truth is, maybe my poems do need some work, but I don't think that just because they are in a different style from the other group members that that automatically makes them not worth a damn.

I'll Try to Be a Little More Present, I Promise

I've been writing in my new blog--the one under my actual name--which is why I haven't been here recently. The point of the new blog is to kind of talk about my writing, and it's less personal because of it. Another reason I started that blog has to do with the fact that I REALLY need to become part of the poetry community. I've spent most of my life staying unnoticed, out of the limelight, etc., and what has it gotten me? Nothing. I've got to promote my name (my "brand," if you will) if I hope to get my work published and noticed. So, no more shrinking violet.

Anyway, I'm through with the drama associated with talking about my family--particularly my asshole father and his psychotic asshole wife. After the whole $hi+ with my dad not showing up to my wedding because his wife said she would divorce him if he came AND HE BELIEVED IT, THE MORON (he is the gravy train, after all, and she's too much of a lazy ass to do anything even approaching divorcing him), the only place where I'll talk about them--if I talk about them, and they're so boring, I probably won't--is here, which is anonymous (as far as I know). And if it's not, and somehow they find this blog too, well, I'm beyond caring.

Anyway, the new blog is focused on my writing, which kind of leaves everything else unexplored, so today I thought I'd write here just to catch up.

Things are going pretty well. I've written 13 poems in the last 16 days, which makes me feel accomplished. My marriage (it feels weird to say that!) is also going well, though I've sort of (but not quite) given up on the hopes for a clean house. He just doesn't want to help, and the place is so big, that I can't really do it myself. My Mom is coming in a few weeks, so whether he wants to help or not, he's going to, or I will resort to beating him with my shoe.

About the only thing that is not going well is my health--and it's all related to that damn cancer I had in 2007-2008. It's like every time I go to the doctor, she puts me on some new medication because some part of my body is failing. I don't really talk about it to anyone, husband included, because I just feel like what's the point? The next time I go for a blood test, she'll find someone else that's bad. And I don't want to be one of those people who all she does is talk about how bad her health is. Speaking of which, I need to go to Target today and drop off 3 new prescriptions. Yippee.

I need to get back to reading all the blogs I used to. I sort of got out of the habit when I was spending all that time getting ready for the wedding. I apologize to the people I used to read--I didn't forget them. I just got a little preoccupied.

Love to all!

I'm Sad Lately

I don't know if it's just the summer, if it's my health (which has been kind of bad lately), or if I'm just going through a depressive cycle, but I've been sad. Husband doesn't understand it, keeps asking about what's wrong, what's wrong. And I just don't know. I'm just unhappy.

I know adjusting to such a life change can make things hard. I just feel... empty.

More later. Husband needs something.

Post Wedding

So, with the one exception that I fell down the stairs (but fortunately not when I was making my bridal entrance), the wedding was great. Good friends, good food (not that I tasted it), and a great venue made everything perfect. I could have wished that some of my best friends would have been able to come, but the ones who did come were awesome.

Everything was awesome actually. Including the wedding night--which was itself a total surprise, because you'd think we'd been there, done that. But Husband had a few tricks up his sleeve, and it was really, really nice. I was impressed... but that's all you're going to hear, because I don't want to make you blush.

Love to all,
M

A Litle Calmer

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. I was really worked up, mostly because I was really tired and it just doesn't seem like the wedding will work out like I hoped. I guess in 10 days we'll see.

Fiance and I picked up our wedding rings today. They are lovely--and not traditional at all. (We're trying hard not to buy into wedding "traditions," since we know that's all BS devised by a greedy, grasping wedding industry.)

I guess I don't have much to say tonight.

Hope all are well.

I'll Be So Glad When This Damn Wedding Is Over

WARNING: THIS IS A BITCHY RANT, NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.

I realize weddings are stressful, and no bride REALLY enjoys all the accompanying bullshit. But let me tell you about how bad it's been, and then you tell me whether or not I should just pack it in and swallow a bottle of bleach:

1. We called the original place I wanted to have the wedding 40 times. This is no lie. And they never called back. I also e-mailed them and snail mailed. They also don't answer their door when someone knocks. Nothing.

2. I hate the wedding dress. It took me forever to find it, and when I did it looked nice on the website. It cost $350, final sale, no returns. It looks like shit. It's cheap and see-through. And not in a good way.

3. We called and called and called musicians, hoping to get some response. Apparently, the economy isn't hurting the musician trade, because only one called back. The one who called back is awesome--plays the EXACT music that Fiance and I love--but wanted $8000 plus travel/ hotel expenses. Um...no... So, not sure if we have music or not.

4. The second-choice place we got to have the wedding and reception BURNED DOWN. The owners were completely unwilling to help us find another place, and they didn't re-imburse me for invitations (so I sent out invitations with the wrong information), and they were almost not going to give us back our deposit. Also, they were the caterers too, so we suddenly had to find a new venue AND new caterers.

5. Almost NONE of our friends are coming to this wedding, with a couple of exceptions, and those people we're really grateful for, so don't get me wrong. But as for the rest of them... Most of our so-called friends haven't even responded to e-mails and calls--forget mailing back the GD response cards. I really expected better. "Assholes" is the word that comes to mind to describe these people--including 2 best friends, one whom I've known since 1989, and another since 1993. Oh, and the one I've known since 1993? She was going to be the minister, and I even offered to PAY HER AIRFARE AND HOTEL. And now 4 days ago, "Oh, sorry, can't come, can't afford it." Well, FUCK YOU.

6. The photographer quoted Mom as $500 and me as $750. When asked to explain the difference, he said, "I don't like to do weddings." Great. Not sure if we have a photographer at this point.

7. After I told my father why his wife is not invited to the wedding, he said he doesn't understand why I'm "closing the door" when I should be "leaving the door open" to her. This is the same woman who abused me and my sister since we were children. This is the same woman who has not allowed me at their house since 2006. This is the same woman who misbehaved so badly at my sister's wedding that we were all humiliated. And he's giving me etiquette tips about how I should have invited both of them? Excuse me?

8. The baker has no recollection of us making an order. He also accused us of stealing his cake photo album. WTF? I brought the picture of the cake I wanted WITH ME. I don't know what he's talking about.

9. The florist says she's not sure she can do anything with a budget of $500. Nice.

10. I lost the stone out of my engagement ring, and obviously haven't been wearing it since last October or November. Fiance was very unhappy about this. But then, when you buy a cheap-ass ring, what do you expect?

11. Can't find any wine we like that we can afford. I've tried 16 different bottles of red and white wines just trying to find something that doesn't suck. AND I DON'T F-ING DRINK. And when I asked my asshole father who does know something about wine if he could suggest any, and he was all "you should try several kinds and see what you like." No shit. Now, he's told me that he'll supply the wine for the wedding. Since there will only be 25 people there, I figure he'll probably only buy like 8-10 bottles of wine. This is his only contribution to the wedding. He gave my sister $7000. (Not that I begrudge her a penny. But if he wonders about why we have a bad relationship, he only has to think about how selfish and shitty he is. Not that he would, because he thinks he's a perfect father. Asshole.)

12. We finally found a new place for the wedding and the reception. However, the owner fancies himself a gourmet, and only wanted to do sit-down dinners, all of which included MEAT as the entree. Considering many of my friends (not that they're coming, assholes) and my family are vegetarians, this is a problem. So I finally lobbied for him just to do hors d'ouvres (which is what I wanted in the first place), and then he said that the things I liked aren't things he likes to make, so not sure what we're eating.

13. Fiance has been no help whatsoever re: anything wedding related. I've picked everything because he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care about ANYTHING and hasn't lifted a finger. And he was the one who wanted the damn wedding in the first place.

I'll tell you what, I've tried to really be calm about this whole thing, even though everything has sucked, but I'm so damn sick of it. The worst part is that people I really counted on to come to this wedding--people I've been there for and supported and loved--have blown me off. How is that right?

A Boring Day at Work

So far, three people who had appointments with me today haven't shown up. I wouldn't mind this so much if I had something to really do, but right now, I don't. I could possibly write a poem, but I don't know what on. Not feeling very poemy. Feeling quite hungry though.

And I would have gotten a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cream cheese at the bagel place in the student center, but they were "out." How they could be out at 7:50, when they only open at 7:30 is beyond me. They were "out" yesterday too. Bastards.

Well, maybe I'll go over to the student center and try the bagel place again... I realllly want a bagel.