I'm Not Emo, But My Soul Kinda Sucks Right Now

This Is a Post About Writing...

2009-09-16T22:16:00.003-04:00

...which would be something I should put in my journal with my name on it.

However, since it's about the ass-shattery of my writing group partners, and they read my writing blog, I thought it would be best to put it here where my name is not prominently displayed anywhere.

Ok, so here's the thing. I write a lot of narrative poems. Sometimes I write lyrics, but not often. They don't really interest me, and I like the confessional quality of narrative poems. My writing group does NOT like narrative poems as a rule. Which makes being in that writing group a pain in the butt.

Today, Group Member A nickle-and-dimed practically each line of the poem. Group Member B (a.k.a. Hot Shot Poet with a Balloon Head) said, "I've drawn a line here, and think you should cut the first four stanzas." Which was basically half the poem. Group Member C I have no complaints about--he usually makes good points and nearly always supports my poem against A & B. Which, as usual, he did again. And this is a Very Brilliant Professor Who Knows More About Poetry Than God.

Balloon Head is really getting on my nerves these days. She thinks just cuz she has a new book out and 2 chapbooks that her $hi+ don't stink. I'm sick, sick, sick of it.

As for Nickle-and-Dime guy--I like him as a person, but he really thinks he knows everything.

Bleah. I'm grumpy and tired. And the truth is, maybe my poems do need some work, but I don't think that just because they are in a different style from the other group members that that automatically makes them not worth a damn.

I'll Try to Be a Little More Present, I Promise

2009-08-16T10:55:00.004-04:00

I've been writing in my new blog--the one under my actual name--which is why I haven't been here recently. The point of the new blog is to kind of talk about my writing, and it's less personal because of it. Another reason I started that blog has to do with the fact that I REALLY need to become part of the poetry community. I've spent most of my life staying unnoticed, out of the limelight, etc., and what has it gotten me? Nothing. I've got to promote my name (my "brand," if you will) if I hope to get my work published and noticed. So, no more shrinking violet.

Anyway, I'm through with the drama associated with talking about my family--particularly my asshole father and his psychotic asshole wife. After the whole $hi+ with my dad not showing up to my wedding because his wife said she would divorce him if he came AND HE BELIEVED IT, THE MORON (he is the gravy train, after all, and she's too much of a lazy ass to do anything even approaching divorcing him), the only place where I'll talk about them--if I talk about them, and they're so boring, I probably won't--is here, which is anonymous (as far as I know). And if it's not, and somehow they find this blog too, well, I'm beyond caring.

Anyway, the new blog is focused on my writing, which kind of leaves everything else unexplored, so today I thought I'd write here just to catch up.

Things are going pretty well. I've written 13 poems in the last 16 days, which makes me feel accomplished. My marriage (it feels weird to say that!) is also going well, though I've sort of (but not quite) given up on the hopes for a clean house. He just doesn't want to help, and the place is so big, that I can't really do it myself. My Mom is coming in a few weeks, so whether he wants to help or not, he's going to, or I will resort to beating him with my shoe.

About the only thing that is not going well is my health--and it's all related to that damn cancer I had in 2007-2008. It's like every time I go to the doctor, she puts me on some new medication because some part of my body is failing. I don't really talk about it to anyone, husband included, because I just feel like what's the point? The next time I go for a blood test, she'll find someone else that's bad. And I don't want to be one of those people who all she does is talk about how bad her health is. Speaking of which, I need to go to Target today and drop off 3 new prescriptions. Yippee.

I need to get back to reading all the blogs I used to. I sort of got out of the habit when I was spending all that time getting ready for the wedding. I apologize to the people I used to read--I didn't forget them. I just got a little preoccupied.

Love to all!

I'm Sad Lately

2009-07-18T21:26:00.004-04:00

I don't know if it's just the summer, if it's my health (which has been kind of bad lately), or if I'm just going through a depressive cycle, but I've been sad. Husband doesn't understand it, keeps asking about what's wrong, what's wrong. And I just don't know. I'm just unhappy.

I know adjusting to such a life change can make things hard. I just feel... empty.

More later. Husband needs something.

Post Wedding

2009-05-19T18:37:00.002-04:00

So, with the one exception that I fell down the stairs (but fortunately not when I was making my bridal entrance), the wedding was great. Good friends, good food (not that I tasted it), and a great venue made everything perfect. I could have wished that some of my best friends would have been able to come, but the ones who did come were awesome.

Everything was awesome actually. Including the wedding night--which was itself a total surprise, because you'd think we'd been there, done that. But Husband had a few tricks up his sleeve, and it was really, really nice. I was impressed... but that's all you're going to hear, because I don't want to make you blush.

Love to all,
M

A Litle Calmer

2009-05-06T20:26:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. I was really worked up, mostly because I was really tired and it just doesn't seem like the wedding will work out like I hoped. I guess in 10 days we'll see.

Fiance and I picked up our wedding rings today. They are lovely--and not traditional at all. (We're trying hard not to buy into wedding "traditions," since we know that's all BS devised by a greedy, grasping wedding industry.)

I guess I don't have much to say tonight.

Hope all are well.

I'll Be So Glad When This Damn Wedding Is Over

2009-05-05T16:48:00.006-04:00

WARNING: THIS IS A BITCHY RANT, NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.

I realize weddings are stressful, and no bride REALLY enjoys all the accompanying bullshit. But let me tell you about how bad it's been, and then you tell me whether or not I should just pack it in and swallow a bottle of bleach:

1. We called the original place I wanted to have the wedding 40 times. This is no lie. And they never called back. I also e-mailed them and snail mailed. They also don't answer their door when someone knocks. Nothing.

2. I hate the wedding dress. It took me forever to find it, and when I did it looked nice on the website. It cost $350, final sale, no returns. It looks like shit. It's cheap and see-through. And not in a good way.

3. We called and called and called musicians, hoping to get some response. Apparently, the economy isn't hurting the musician trade, because only one called back. The one who called back is awesome--plays the EXACT music that Fiance and I love--but wanted $8000 plus travel/ hotel expenses. Um...no... So, not sure if we have music or not.

4. The second-choice place we got to have the wedding and reception BURNED DOWN. The owners were completely unwilling to help us find another place, and they didn't re-imburse me for invitations (so I sent out invitations with the wrong information), and they were almost not going to give us back our deposit. Also, they were the caterers too, so we suddenly had to find a new venue AND new caterers.

5. Almost NONE of our friends are coming to this wedding, with a couple of exceptions, and those people we're really grateful for, so don't get me wrong. But as for the rest of them... Most of our so-called friends haven't even responded to e-mails and calls--forget mailing back the GD response cards. I really expected better. "Assholes" is the word that comes to mind to describe these people--including 2 best friends, one whom I've known since 1989, and another since 1993. Oh, and the one I've known since 1993? She was going to be the minister, and I even offered to PAY HER AIRFARE AND HOTEL. And now 4 days ago, "Oh, sorry, can't come, can't afford it." Well, FUCK YOU.

6. The photographer quoted Mom as $500 and me as $750. When asked to explain the difference, he said, "I don't like to do weddings." Great. Not sure if we have a photographer at this point.

7. After I told my father why his wife is not invited to the wedding, he said he doesn't understand why I'm "closing the door" when I should be "leaving the door open" to her. This is the same woman who abused me and my sister since we were children. This is the same woman who has not allowed me at their house since 2006. This is the same woman who misbehaved so badly at my sister's wedding that we were all humiliated. And he's giving me etiquette tips about how I should have invited both of them? Excuse me?

8. The baker has no recollection of us making an order. He also accused us of stealing his cake photo album. WTF? I brought the picture of the cake I wanted WITH ME. I don't know what he's talking about.

9. The florist says she's not sure she can do anything with a budget of $500. Nice.

10. I lost the stone out of my engagement ring, and obviously haven't been wearing it since last October or November. Fiance was very unhappy about this. But then, when you buy a cheap-ass ring, what do you expect?

11. Can't find any wine we like that we can afford. I've tried 16 different bottles of red and white wines just trying to find something that doesn't suck. AND I DON'T F-ING DRINK. And when I asked my asshole father who does know something about wine if he could suggest any, and he was all "you should try several kinds and see what you like." No shit. Now, he's told me that he'll supply the wine for the wedding. Since there will only be 25 people there, I figure he'll probably only buy like 8-10 bottles of wine. This is his only contribution to the wedding. He gave my sister $7000. (Not that I begrudge her a penny. But if he wonders about why we have a bad relationship, he only has to think about how selfish and shitty he is. Not that he would, because he thinks he's a perfect father. Asshole.)

12. We finally found a new place for the wedding and the reception. However, the owner fancies himself a gourmet, and only wanted to do sit-down dinners, all of which included MEAT as the entree. Considering many of my friends (not that they're coming, assholes) and my family are vegetarians, this is a problem. So I finally lobbied for him just to do hors d'ouvres (which is what I wanted in the first place), and then he said that the things I liked aren't things he likes to make, so not sure what we're eating.

13. Fiance has been no help whatsoever re: anything wedding related. I've picked everything because he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care about ANYTHING and hasn't lifted a finger. And he was the one who wanted the damn wedding in the first place.

I'll tell you what, I've tried to really be calm about this whole thing, even though everything has sucked, but I'm so damn sick of it. The worst part is that people I really counted on to come to this wedding--people I've been there for and supported and loved--have blown me off. How is that right?

A Boring Day at Work

2008-10-07T11:12:00.002-04:00

So far, three people who had appointments with me today haven't shown up. I wouldn't mind this so much if I had something to really do, but right now, I don't. I could possibly write a poem, but I don't know what on. Not feeling very poemy. Feeling quite hungry though.

And I would have gotten a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cream cheese at the bagel place in the student center, but they were "out." How they could be out at 7:50, when they only open at 7:30 is beyond me. They were "out" yesterday too. Bastards.

Well, maybe I'll go over to the student center and try the bagel place again... I realllly want a bagel.

I Hate Breakups... Even When They're Not Happening to Me

2008-09-28T20:03:00.003-04:00

My friends K & C finally called it quits today. I just hurt for both of them... I think they've been together 12 years, and it sucks, and I'm really sad. Because I was K's friend first, but I'm C's friend too... and I don't know what to say to either of them, except I'm sorry.

And I know this is weird... but it makes me feel scared too. Like, if people like them could break up, people I thought were together for the long haul, what chance do the rest of us have?

Where Have I Been?

2008-09-24T09:08:00.003-04:00

It seems the rest of the summer got away from me. Mostly I've just been working every day, and while it seemed ok when I was doing it part-time, full-time has its disadvantages... mostly long blocks of time where not much happens. Part of this is because it's after registration, and students won't be coming in again till the end of October when registration starts up.

Part of it has to do, probably, with the fact I've never had a 40 hour a week job, and I'm not used to being at work and not having anything to do. When I was teaching, I came in to teach, did my office hours (including my part-time advising hours), and went home... to do other things, like laundry (which I'm sorely behind on) or cleaning the house or grocery shopping. Now when I get home, the last thing I want to do is those chores. (Granted, I never want to do laundry since I have to go out to do it... but hopefully I'll find a new place to live soon, and it WILL have a washer and dryer, or I'm not moving in.)

Fiance and I are fine. He's actually coming up today to stay until Friday morning. There's a lecture he wants to go to tomorrow night, and he doesn't have to work, so he figured he'd come in for a quick visit. As it happens, I'm going down his way for a conference on Friday/ Saturday, and the plan was that we'd spend Saturday night and Sunday together... but he forgot to request those days off. So I'll be coming back home.

Which is just as well, so I can take care of His Magesty, whom I don't really like to leave alone, anyway. I know how he hates not being able to go outside. And I don't feel comfortable leaving the back window open--not because I worry that anyone would break in (though, in a large city, that's ALWAYS a possibility), but mainly because I don't want to come home to find that there are dead--or living!--chipmunks running around. I'm about done with the chipmunk crap, frankly.

I will say, the one good thing about this job is that when I have large blocks of unoccupied time, I fill it with writing poems, and that makes me ever so much happier a person.

Hoping everyone is well.

Job Things

2008-07-09T19:52:00.002-04:00

After a lot of chaos, I finally got the permanent advisor job. Today was my third day at work. While I have been doing advising for a year now, I wasn't prepared for the 40-hour-a-week grind, and my butt gets sore from sitting all day, and pretty much from 2-4:30 I'm sooooo bored. But I'll get used to it, and like it too, I hope.

I figure, I'm committed to staying at this school at least as long as it takes my fiance to go through graduate school. There is a dual Master's in Public Policy/ Urban Planning program that would be fantastic if he could get into. His undergraduate grades are uneven at best. They have been better since he's been back to school, and perhaps the Admissions Committee will take that into consideration. But this is a tough school to get into, and they expect brilliance. I love my honey, but I think he's burned too many brain cells over the years to be considered brilliant. But perhaps he tests well. Maybe he'll do really well on the GRE. I hope he considers taking a Kaplan course on the GRE so that he'll do really well on it.

Oh, yikes I'm suddenly exhausted. I'll write more later.

Weird But True

2008-06-21T14:47:00.002-04:00

The advising job I applied for--you needed 4 years work experience in a university setting. Human Resources kicked my application out as unsuitable because they somehow missed I've had 12 years experience.

I rewrote my letter and am going to resubmit it on Monday (the last day of the job being open) so that they are aware I have 12 years experience. Idiots.

Calmed Down

2008-06-09T16:30:00.003-04:00

I'm not a deranged bitch like I was the other day. C and I talked, and things are better. I still don't know what to do about the wedding, but I have other things to think about... like the fact that I don't know if I have a job beyond June. And also there is always my health to worry me, but that's too boring to contemplate right now.

All in all, I'm just trying to survive another day.

Angry

2008-06-05T09:45:00.003-04:00

I seem to be angry all the time lately. Or if not angry, then bored. And I know what this means: a depression coming on, and the thought of that just makes me tremble, because I know how debilitating my depressions can be. And I have neither meds nor a psychologist to get me through.

It's not like I haven't tried to find a psychologist, but Blue Cross is being really shitty lately. And I don't have the money because I got the latest bill from the oncologist, and it's $1700 and I still haven't gotten the latest bill from the hospital.

And on top of it all, C's parents said they'll maybe only give $1500 toward the wedding, and even with Mom's matching agreement, that is only $3000 for a wedding. Who the fuck can have a wedding on $3000? I have saved in my secret stash $1200, but I was going to use that towards financing the honeymoon. I'm so mad at his cheapskate parents I couldn't even talk to him last night. They're so fucking selfish. And they make hella lot more money than my Mother does, and she was prepared to give $5000!

I don't even want the fanciest, ritziest wedding, but with $3000 I'd be lucky to serve cake and ice cream afterwards. And the part that really makes me mad is that in my heart of hearts, I really think C did a shitty job of asking his father for money. I suspect he was mealy-mouthed and said we'd take whatever they could give, instead of being honest and direct and saying we need $5000. If I didn't have all these damn medical bills, I could afford to pay for most of the wedding on my own, but it just makes me so angry that they couldn't even pony up a legitimate donation to the wedding.

And C hasn't even tried to save any money. I just don't think that in this day and age the bride's family should have to pay for the whole thing, with the exception of $1500. It would be one thing if C had a real job and was bringing in $30,000 a year. It's not like in the old days when the groom supported the bride. I mean, I'm the one who's going to support him in grad school. I'm the one who's paid for all these goddamn medical bills when his fucking sperm contributed to my disease. I pretty much pay every time we go out to dinner, and I'm the one who drives down there way more than he comes here. And I'm sick of it.

Everything's money money money, and I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of how cheap C and his parents are, and I'm sick of this wedding already. I'm sick to death.

Somebody Shoot Me

2008-05-12T20:27:00.003-04:00

So, I've been going to work every since the semester ended, doing my advisory work--answering student e-mails about registration and what-not, holding office hours, meeting with students, because I am under the assumption that I am getting paid.

When I took over as assistant advisor, I was told I would get paid for fall, spring, and summer. But, I sent an e-mail to the head of the department several weeks ago to confirm this, when the person I directly report to made a funny noise when I brought up summer employment to her. (Even though she was the one who told me I would get adjunct pay for summer.) I didn't sign up for summer teaching because I was told I was getting paid for summer. Hence, la la la, I'm thinking I'm getting paid.

Well, I went to the office manager of our department and checked to make sure that I would be getting paid. She looked at her papers and said, "You're not on the summer budget."

Son of a bitch.

I go into the Vice-Chair's office and say what the hell is this? If I'm not getting paid for the summer what am I supposed to do about health care? Why have I been coming to work? I sure as hell wasn't planning on volunteering for the summer. And I sure as hell would have signed up for summer teaching.

I'm so pissed I can't even tell you. And I'm really pissed at the person I have been directly reporting to, because she's the one who promised me summer money and she was the one who should have made sure to put me in the budget. I'm livid really. Because now I have no money for the summer, and nobody at that fucking school gives a goddamn about it.

Update

2008-05-11T11:28:00.003-04:00

This week I am going to a big cancer hospital back home for testing and a second opinion. Anyway, I like to spend my birthday with my Mom, and Friday is my birthday.

Actually, I don't really even care about the second opinion. In fact, I'd rather not do it, because I just want to quit. Period. No more. And I can't afford it. But Mom and C both want me to do it, so ok, I'm going for it.

But before I leave on Tuesday (I think), I have another meeting with the head of the department tomorrow, and hopefully this one will be more clear as to whether a job is really going to manifest for me, or whether I should just go home for good. I don't know why they wouldn't want to give me a job--I'm good at advising; I like it, and the students like me. So hopefully I will have some good news tomorrow. Because I'm not loving this flux I'm in. I'm just not a fluxy person.

Other than that, things are quiet. Hope you all are doing well.

Out of Touch

2008-04-26T16:30:00.002-04:00

I've been busy doing absolutely nothing for the last several weeks. I am tired, in debt, sick of mounting medical bills, and worried about the lack-of-job sitch. The cancer isn't responding to the treatment, my doctor thinks maybe I have something else, and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Really, everything kind of bites. And I have about 4000 papers to grade before grades are due. Plus, I have to clean out my office. There's a depressing thought.

PET Scan

2008-04-05T18:57:00.001-04:00

Oh, sorry, got the bill today. The PET scan was $3881, not $3000. Nice.

Wedding Things

2008-04-05T14:07:00.004-04:00

Did I mention C & I are officially engaged?

I've been avoiding grading by looking at wedding websites. I was looking at invitations and save-the-date cards on Crane paper, which I will not be able to afford, even though Crane paper is so very elegant. I found another website called The Knot which has all manner of things, from budgeting info, to a guest list keeper, to 12-month planners. My Mom said her boss at work (who got married in December) suggested it, so I checked it out and it's pretty cool.

And I ordered 3 books from Amazon: Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 5th ed., Your Stress-Free Wedding Planner, and for a sociological perspective, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. Hopefully that last book will keep me from becoming a maniac.

And C and I have been kicking around ideas for where to have the wedding/ reception. I'd like to do something unique and unusual, and C pretty much says whatever I want. He's amenable like that. Of course, I won't let him get out of doing plenty of the work--he's not going to use the excuse of whatever I want to get out of making decisions.

Of course, I don't know where I'll get the money for this wedding. (I'm certainly not asking my asshole father for penny one.) I keep hemorrhaging money with this stupid cancer treatment that's not working. It's a good thing I'm seeing the oncologist on Monday because I'm going to ask her if I can just quit chemo since it doesn't seem to be doing anything and the pet scan showed nothing. C and my other friends keep saying "Well, you should stick with the chemo in case the cancer spreads." All I can say is THE PET SCAN SHOWED NOTHING. A $3000 test showed nothing. So clearly I must not have cancer. I almost wonder if the oncologist was wrong, and I've been suffering for four months with chemo for nothing at all. (Gahh, if I think about that too much, I become irate.)

Anyway... the dog next door is barking its insane head off, and I need to grade. Love to all.

Decision

2008-03-24T10:33:00.002-04:00

I've decided if that PET scan I did on Friday reveals nothing of any significance, I'm going to quit cancer treatments. 3 months of treatments hasn't managed to accomplish anything, so why should I continue down a path that just makes me tired, sick, and lethargic? Moreover, my medical bills are killing me and I just can't afford to keep getting $900 treatments that don't seem to work. I'm tired and bored, and I've had enough.

On Very Personal Health

2008-02-26T19:57:00.003-05:00

I really needed to do laundry today. So instead I took a long nap. Then I graded for a while, and now I'm goofing off online. I suck.

Actually I took the nap to head off a headache that was starting. Because of the chemo, I'm not supposed to use Advil, but after 6 days of headaches last week, I begged and pleaded to the nurse practitioner and the oncology nurse to let me have Advil. They must know me because they said they'll allow me to take one or two once in a very great while, but I can't "eat it like candy." Which is scary. Because before chemo, I did eat Advil like candy. I mean, why take one or two when five or six will knock out cramps or migraines? I probably have no liver. But they said I need to use Advil sparingly because of the risk of uncontrolled bleeding. I don't plan on injuring myself, so I'd like to ignore the no candy-eating rule, but I'll be a good girl.

It helps that I haven't had a period since forever. (I'm not counting all the bleeding I had after the surgery where I was going through pads like every hour [since I wasn't allowed to use tampons].) Of course, I don't have periods because I'm skipping the white pills and going onto the next month's birth control pack. And I realize this is kind of a bad thing to do because of the risk to my heart and the rest of my body from all the extra hormones, but without PMS and MS, my mood is better, I can cope with my disease better, and I'm just a nicer person to be around. I figure, as long as I'm forced to be on birth control for at least a year, and possibly longer due to cancer, I may as well make it worthwhile by being period-free.

I think the nurse practitioner isn't too happy with this decision. But then she didn't have a miscarriage, a D&C, and copious amounts of bleeding for 6 weeks straight. (I have 3 pairs of stained jeans I can't get clean because the bleeding was so bad.)

Anyway. These are just the random thoughts of my mind today.

Inconsequential Things... Like My Health

2008-02-24T14:29:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling kind of sick to my stomach today, and I've spent a good part of the day in bed. I did get myself on the couch to watch the 2005 Pride & Prejudice, which I'd give a B/B- to. Let's face it, the BBC one that ran on A&E will always be the standard to which all other adaptations are measured. It's all about Mr. Darcy isn't it? The guy who played Mr. Darcy in this movie was ok, but he was no Colin Firth. Well, and while we're at it, Keira Knightley is no Jennifer Ehle.

Afterwards, I went back down for a nappie, like a baby. I however also managed to bathe at one point. This is important because the last few days I haven't felt even up to that. I didn't feel up to it today either, but noxious smells were emanating from my body and I needed to get clean. Now I smell lovely, which I'm sure Snorky is glad for. He's been keeping me company in the bed. I know my offensiveness was bothering him. He can be very fastidious, even for a cat.

Nothing much is going on. C's brother's wedding is in 2 weekends, and I'm half-way looking forward to getting out of Atlanta, at least for a couple of days. Of course, it will be a chemo weekend, and that means I'll be really tired and puny. And C still hasn't told his parents that I have cancer. I don't know what he's waiting for--a written invitation? I'm just afraid that I'll be tired and subdued at the wedding and his family will think I have no personality or energy or otherwise make assumptions about me that aren't true, which will then influence them not to like me. I've tried explaining this to C but he keeps giving me the runaround. I told him if he doesn't tell them in the next few days, I'm writing them a letter. Maybe that will galvanize him.

I really don't understand his hesitancy. He ran to them to tell them all the gruesome details of the botched pregnancy and my D&C and my ubiquitous bleeding--the stuff I didn't want them to know about. But I think they should know about the cancer, and he won't tell them. Maybe he thinks they'll freak out. But both his mother and sister are nurses, so it's not like they won't have any understanding. Whatever.

The next door yapping dog won't shut up. I wish I could slip it a mickey.

Hope everyone's ok.

Quick Check-In

2008-02-17T19:50:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here with a cat on my right side and a stack of papers on my left. Plus I have to read 6 chapters in my crappola Tech Comm book for tomorrow's Tech Comm seminar, which I have absolutely no interest in doing AND I have to make a presentation on one of the chapters, which I tried reading, and which made me have to take a nap earlier, it was so boring.

Granted, I didn't take a long nap, mostly because I couldn't get comfortable. I've had a migraine-esque headache for the last several days, and of course you know I am not SUPPOSED to take Advil while I'm on chemo. But yesterday I broke down and took 5, chemo be damned. I was going to die from a headache. When I go get chemo on Wednesday, I'm going to talk to them about what I can do for when I have headaches, because I've said it before and I'll say it again, Tylenol is stupid and doesn't work. Today it was mostly just a dull throbbing, nothing that I bothered taking a pill for.

Other than that, not much is news. Same ol' same ol. And I'm kind of grumpy and hungry, but I already ate dinner, so I have no idea why I'm ravenous.

Hope everyone's ok.

A Kiss for My Friends

2008-02-14T20:14:00.003-05:00

Chocolates and tulips,
a pillow spilled with stardust:
Valentine for you.

New Treatment

2008-02-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

The doctor didn't like my last bloodtest and said the cancer wasn't responding. So I've been switched to a new treatment, a more aggressive one that knocks my ass out and makes me so sick. I thought the other treatment wasn't great, but this is worse.

I was exhausted all day yesterday, and I had to go onto campus for a meeting. Two hours total, and I thought I would die. Today, I didn't even get out of bed till almost 5, and it's not even 8:30, and I'm thinking of going back to bed.

I've been managing alright. But now I'm afraid that this new treatment (which takes about a couple of hours to administer) is going to make things very, very hard for me.

I wish I could give up cancer for Lent.

Day After

2008-01-31T21:47:00.000-05:00

They've decided to put me on anti-nausea pills round the clock, so I have to take one of the pills ever 6 hours. Actually, I wish they had told me to do this weeks ago, because today really wasn't too bad. I actually had an appetite today, and the pills kept me from feeling gross. Right now I feel a little sick and light-headed, but that's because I need to take another dose.

B/f came up last night and I can't say I was very good company... I went to sleep around 7; my Mom woke me up at 10 till 10 to ask how I was feeling and to remind me that there was a new Law & Order on, and so I got up to watch that, then I went back to sleep, and slept the sleep of the dead.

Well, except for the 4 times Kitteh wanted in and out. And of course C didn't manage to hear any of the times the cat wanted in or out. Of course. *Sigh*

I was sleepy for a lot of today, but while I was up, I watched Evan Almighty. It wasn't very funny, but it was kind of cute, so it was a nice diversion.

Anyway, here are a few more new pictures of His Highness. I thought you might enjoy seeing how handsome he is lately.

Chemo Crash 2

2008-01-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

Another really bad day. B/f wants me to come visit him tomorrow, but I swear, I just want to stay in bed and die. I feel awful. Now, I guess, there's enough chemo in my blood that I don't bounce back like I did in the early rounds... I wind up just feeling bad for the rest of the week. It's pitiful.

And I'm almost out of ginger ale.

Chemo Crash

2008-01-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

Oy, I can tell this is the day after chemo... I'm so exhausted. I woke up at 7:30, putzed around till 10:30, and then crashed. I would have slept probably the rest of the day except His Magesty jumped up on the bed and began to lick my neck, the silly beastie.

I've managed to eat some bread and soup, but I really want to go back to bed. And it's not even 5. Is that bad?

So, He Apologizes

2008-01-22T19:31:00.001-05:00

B/f was very apologetic. And it was nice to see him. It would have been better if he showed up on Sunday, but whatever. Honestly, I don't know what this weekend thing was about, but I talked to him about the importance of compromise, and maybe, just maybe he gets it.

More Snow Pictures

2008-01-22T19:25:00.001-05:00

Here are some more pictures of snow. This is from the snow on the 19th. I sure wish we'd have a crazy 13-incher... but that only happens in the Plains. Ah well. It was pretty to see.

Stupidities

2008-01-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

B/f just called me, told me he was spending the night tomorrow. And I told him that I was disappointed that he couldn't be bothered to come and see me before tomorrow. I said that he could have left the conference at noon today; he could have been here by dinner time, and that I needed him, but apparently that didn't seem to matter to him.

I reminded him that every week, I go get chemo by myself, I'm exhausted by myself, and I'm sick by myself, and that he has not once spent any time with me after I've gone in for chemo. And he cried and got all emotional and started calling himself names, and I told him that I wasn't trying to blame him, but I feel pretty insignificant, totally second fiddle, to that conference he went to. I also reminded him that if he comes tomorrow and stays the night, I still have to leave the house at 8 a.m. in order to get to work on Tuesday, and we're hardly going to have any time together.

I told him I was pissed. What I should have said is that I don't want to see him tomorrow. Because I feel like his coming tomorrow for that brief visit is to assuage his guilt, and frankly, that's not going to fix things for me. But more than that, I'm pissed at myself because I should have told him yesterday when he mentioned what all the day's plans for today were that I needed him here. So once again, this is really my fault too, and that REALLY pisses me off.

Because I know he has no common sense. I know he can't read minds. So I should have expressed to him what my needs were, because maybe then I would have had a shot of getting them met. But I think I was just so stunned that he really didn't seem to understand how much I needed him that I let him do what he wanted to do (hang with those people from the conference), and in the process got infuriated.

As always, I am equally culpable. But honestly... how bright do you have to be to figure out your girlfriend needs help those first several days after a round of chemo? He could have gone to half the conference and spent the other half of the weekend with me. You know, if he had cancer, and I wanted to go to a conference that was not necessarily germane to my being, I think I would have blown the conference off and spent the weekend with him. But maybe that's just me.

I'm so disappointed. I expected better. But this is my fault too. And that's just as upsetting.

He Called

2008-01-19T11:17:00.001-05:00

He called me at 11. He's fine. I wanted to yell at him, but instead I cried.

Call Me Paranoid

2008-01-19T10:09:00.000-05:00

This morning at 3:06 a.m., Boyfriend sent me a text message that said, "Oh god, I love and miss you." It woke me up out of a dead sleep. I went to the bathroom, and called him back. No answer. I called 4 more times, and texted him back. No answer.

I was awake from 3 till 6, when I finally fell back asleep. I have called him 3 times this morning. Why isn't he answering?

He has never texted me before in the middle of the night. In fact, he doesn't text me at all because he knows each text message costs me 15 cents. So why, last night, does he do this? I've watched a hella lot of Forensic Files, and all I can think is that was his last message to me before someone killed him. Maybe that's a little on the crazy side, but why hasn't he called me back?

Ok, ok, you might say, maybe he got drunk last night and texted me, and he's sleeping in. But the fact of the matter is he's gone to that Students for a Democratic Society conference in Tuscaloosa, AL, and all the sessions started this morning at 8 or 9.... so he'd have to be up for that, right?

I am really, really panicky right now. This just isn't like him. I don't know what to do. Call, dammit. Call me.

My Snow Video

2008-01-17T19:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Butterfly Cauldron, I feel all media savvy....

Here is the little video I shot last night. (It's the same one I posted on MySpace, so if you saw it there, don't think you'll be looking at something different.) Unfortunately, it's kind of dark, and hard to see. But I hope you like it.

Of course, by this morning, the rain had washed the snow all away. (I wish I could be up in the mountains where they got several inches... I would have loved to have seen it.)

Snow Pictures

2008-01-17T09:53:00.000-05:00

Here are the photos I took of the snow. (Warning, they are not overly exciting.)

Here's another of the little chairs on my porch.

I thought I had a couple more, but I can't see them listed in the browse window. Hrm.

Winter Wonderland...Sort Of

2008-01-16T23:12:00.001-05:00

It started snowing fat, wet, blobby flakes around 6-ish, and snowed a good two hours. Now it's raining, and the beauty is slowly disappearing. Many of the northern counties are getting several inches of snow.

There is something wonderful and nostalgic about snow... Nothing like the snows I used to detest back in grad school, the kind that would last for months, the salt wearing holes in the bottom of your shoes. Today's snow was just pretty enough to be evocative, but not provocative. ;-) It will all be gone by tomorrow, but that's ok.

I took a few pictures from my porch. If I knew how to paste them into the body of a post, I would. Imogen knows... I should ask her.

Stay warm.

A Little of This, A Little of That

2008-01-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

Calling the bank has only assured me that they will "examine" the situation. Calling Bellsouth was a waste of time. They handed me around to 4 different people, all of whom said since I don't have an account with them, there's no way they could have charged me $162.47. Thanks, that was so helpful. Hopefully, the bank will figure out what happened. Meanwhile, I need to alert the credit bureaus... I wish I knew how to do that.

The new semester is alright so far--only two weeks into it, it's hard to say. I do have two former students whom I liked before, so it's nice to see them again. I'm hoping good things will happen this semester. I can't stand any more badness...

...like the student who missed an A by 6 points because of her attendance (it was poor), who then went to my supervisor and demanded that I change the grade. And I had to change it, even though I objected being coerced. See, that's what I hate about teaching. If a student bitches enough to the right people, it doesn't matter that she earned a B--she can go above the professor's head and the professor has to change the grade. How fair is that? Not fair.

Oy.

I Just Found Out...

2008-01-13T21:42:00.001-05:00

...that my identity has been stolen. Someone charged $162 in an EFT charge on my bank account for phone services to Bellsouth--which I do not even subscribe to. More than that, the charge overdrew me by $131 in my account, so the bank slapped me with a $25 fee. You can damn well bet I'm calling both my bank and Bellsouth tomorrow.

FUCK.

Deep Dark Blues Must Be Catching

2008-01-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

I just read Maude Lebowski's blog, and she's having a really tough day, as am I. I tried to get out of the house and get some fresh air--walked the malls (though, I'm not a mall person, but I wanted to use a giftcard that Boyfriend's sister gave me for Christmas), saw The Waterhorse, but the movie, which started out cute, became depressing and horrible as the Royal Navy began shooting giant cannons at "Crusoe" (aka, the Loch Ness Monster). In fact, it was scary and awful, and I started to cry. I probably should have left the theater, but I didn't.

I don't want to start another semester; I have a bad feeling that they won't be hiring me as a full time advisor, because my boss has been very cold to me ever since I started chemo, and now I'm terrified that come May, I will be jobless. I'm not ready to move back home with my Mom--I love her of course, and frankly, would love to live back in my hometown, but I can't go home to her and leave my Beloved.

I guess I just feel everything is futile today, and I am two inches away from bawling my eyes out, and I hate feeling like that.

Great News!

2008-01-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

My landlord finally sent someone round to fix the broken glass window that I patched up with tape in July!

Now, if she'll send someone to fix my busted fridge and freezer before I starve to death...

Monday, Tuesday, Chemoday...

2008-01-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today was my fourth go-round with chemo. It was really painful today, and I was sick three times. Afterwards, we ran a couple of errands, and then I came home and went to bed.

But I'm up for the season premiere of Law & Order.

And tomorrow my Mom goes back home, and my heart is breaking.

I Feel a Little Silly Today

2008-01-01T18:53:00.000-05:00

No reason especially. Just maybe it's the irrepressible feeling that GOOD THINGS MUST HAPPEN THIS YEAR, because short of my dying in a freak meteor collision, it can't possibly get much worse. Of course, I realize by typing that I have damned myself. But hey, if a meteor hit me, at least it would be fast.

Happy New Year, my friends.

A Special Mermatriarch New Year's Cocktail

2007-12-31T20:58:00.001-05:00

The Recipe For Mermatriarch

3 parts Kindness
2 parts Sass
1 part Bravery

Splash of Instinct

Finish off with an olive

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

Fried Brain

2007-12-30T18:08:00.001-05:00

It's crazy. I totally forgot about MLA. The premier conference for us academics that happens right after Christmas, and I forgot about it. Maybe cancer's good for some things after all.

J/k

Chemo 3, Mermatriarch 0

2007-12-27T19:56:00.000-05:00

I am still suffering the sinus infection that I got on 11/28. Combine that with a bad "trip" from this latest round of chemo, I am having a shitty, shitty day.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

A blessed, happy day for all of you.

Update

2007-12-22T20:30:00.000-05:00

My Mom came in on Monday, and she's been wonderful.

Wednesday was another round of chemo. What was terrible was the I.V., which just burned. I went through 3 liters of "buffer" solution, but when it ran out, I was crying, because the stuff just was like fire in my arm. Apparently I have a low tolerance for the meds, and I thought I would die. The nurse hooked me up with more buffer but I guess there's only so much they can give.

Anyway, four hours later, we left, and went to Target to pick up a new prescription. Every time I leave that doctor, it seems like I get some new drugs. And not good ones. :(

Chemo mostly makes me exhausted and nauseated. But I'm trying my best. It's early in my treatment, though; maybe later, I'll be less "cheerful and brave." I don't know how many rounds I'll have to get. It just depends on how my body responds.

Anyway, if I don't write any time soon, I hope everyone has a happy Christmas or other winter holiday. Bless you all.

Absurd

2007-12-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

Choriocarcinoma. That's what it's called.

And I was upset earlier this afternoon when I tripped and broke a nail.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

2007-12-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

My latest blood tests were apparently bad... I have to see the gynocological oncologist (a specialist, in other words) on Monday. And I'm cramping really bad today.

I'm so sick of being sick.

Goodbye

2007-11-28T13:56:00.000-05:00

It might have been so genetically fucked up it had to go, but I weep for it.

Nightmare City

2007-11-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

I have to go to the doctor today to get a shot. They're also drawing blood for some tests. Then I have to go back tomorrow for a different test. Why they can't just do everything tomorrow, when gas is at a f'ing premium, and they're 15 miles away, one way, I have no idea.

I Stayed Late Tonight

2007-11-05T22:01:00.001-05:00

I didn't leave campus till after 8--I absolutely wanted to finish grading the first class' design exercise, and I did finish that. I have great plans for staying late tomorrow and Wednesday, and getting them all graded so I can give them back on Monday. Then I'll only have their damn memos and audience exercises to grade, and I'll be all caught up...

Of course, I realize how ridiculous that sounds... I mean, these damn things have been waiting for weeks for me to grade. They sit in condemning piles around my house, filling me with loathing. If I could just grade the papers when they came in, it wouldn't be such an ordeal. But my behavior never seems to change.

I wish I could teach, but not grade. I suspect all teachers feel this way. But I know there are conscientious, ethical teachers who really do their jobs, read and return papers in a timely manner, and don't hate every single day they're in the classroom. I don't know how they do it. I really admire them. I can't seem to manage it.

Oh, this is a rambly, useless post. More of the same. Sometimes, I can't even stand myself.

Another Weekend Wasted

2007-11-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

Great, it's 7 p.m. Sunday evening, and I've not done a damn thing this weekend except brood about my shitty life and wish all the grading I haven't done would just mysteriously disappear so I wouldn't have to look at all those piles of uncompleted work.

I've decided that what I need to do is start staying at school till 8 or 9 pm--just grading. I'd like to be able to go home for T'giving without carrying home 300 papers to grade. It's quite obvious that when I'm home nothing gets accomplished. Part of that is the depression. Part of it is just hating hating hating Tech Comm and everything to do with it and not being able to motivate myself to get it done. It's terrible--I'm practically phoning in my work. I go to work, but I'm not there. I'm not answering student e-mails. I'll probably get the worst evals of my career. And I can't even seem to care, not even a smidge.

It's really, really bad. I've never LOVED grading--who does? But at least when I was reading comp papers, there was the POSSIBILITY of finding something interesting that engaged my intellect. But there is no such experience in grading effing memos.

I wish to Goddess a miracle would happen, and they'll hire me full time for advising. I pray for it.

Out of It

2007-11-03T12:18:00.001-04:00

I've been struggling with some news lately that I'm still trying to deal with, and trying to decide what to do. When I come to some conclusions, I'll write about them here, but until then I have to be mysterious.

In other news, school is dragging me down. I hate Tech Comm like you can't believe. I'm glad it's November because I have like 4 or 5 group work days scheduled and that means 4 or 5 days I don't have to teach. I am so depressed about being scheduled to teach it again next semester. I asked for Comp 2, but apparently they needed me to teach it. Well, that's what they said anyhow. But the bright side is, of course, that I'm continuing to advise. Which I love.

Maybe I've said this before here, but I liken advising to "emergency room academia." I still get the benefit of talking with students, but there is no grading involved. They come in, get what they need, and then they go. I mean, how great is that? I keep praying that this will turn into a full-time job. It will mitigate some of my current worries if I knew I was going to continue to be employed. But more than that, I'm good at advising. I actually care about these students in ways that I could give a rat's ass about the students in my Tech Comm classes.

Which is not to say I don't like my TC students, because some of them I like very much. But it's the subject matter that is just dreadful. And I hate the Guru's book. I'm just going to come right out and say that. Her book is so tedious and so dull--and it breaks a lot of the "rules" that she's so tediously explains about what good technical communication should do. I mean maybe TC has a possibility of being interesting, but her book kills it for me. And those students who aren't doing even just the bare minimum in class--they're killing me too.

Anyway... not much on tap today. I have 1000 papers to grade. Oh, joy.

Hmm, I have so much to do, I think I'll go read a book. Heheh.

The Halloween Book Ain't Happening, Guru Be Fucked

2007-10-11T21:10:00.000-04:00

So, it's the 11th of October, and I haven't done any work on the book Guru wants done. Initially I was all freaked out about it, and now it's like I can't try to teach a class I hate, meet my advising obligations, meet with my writing groups and the Tech Comm Seminar every week, be a good girlfriend, try to grade (which, by the way, that ain't happening either), and keep sane. I'm kind of depressed about everything.

In other, unrelated news, I am sending prayers, good vibes, and kind wishes to my friends Doggerel and Butterfly Cauldron... I worry about them, and send them my love.

Job Things, The Sequel

2007-09-18T21:25:00.001-04:00

So, today I had a meeting with Guru (the New Writing & Communication Coordinator, who is a Full Professor, and a Professor Emeritus from her previous school), and she looked over my C.V. and talked to me about my future plans, and mentioned ways that I could improve the C.V. and how I articulate my teaching and the kinds of things I do in the classroom so as to make me stand out when it comes to people picking through job materials.

But among the things she said: a) only listing 3 examples of work under review is poor--I ought to have 10(!) listed, so as to demonstrate I am an active poet who actively submits work; b) that I need to write at least 3 essays (on place, spirituality, and family) since those are areas I focused on in my diss; c) that I need to cull about 30 poems from my diss, package them with these essays, and send this manuscript out to publishers by Halloween (!); and d) that I begin the research to write a collaborative paper with her about Tech Comm. I came out of the meeting ready to slit my wrists.

More than that, she said that while it's quite obvious that several people in the department would LOVE to keep me on as an advisor, that this is a "safe" job, and it's about time I spread my wings and leave the nest. That I should be a teacher, since that's where my heart is.

And what I said to her is that I don't know where my heart is. I'm not sure what I want to be "when I grow up." And what I didn't feel like I could admit is how absolutely little faith I have in myself. And why should I? I don't write. In some ways, I think going on the job market would be a waste of time because I really don't think that I would be an asset to any program. No matter how you package my C.V., there's just not anything there. Certainly not anything that would get me hired.

Of course, if I do all the work Guru wants (and as an aside, let me mention that a First Year came to me about writing a collaborative paper in Tech Comm about video games which I agreed to do way before this onslought of work Guru has piled on me), maybe I could get a job somewhere. I mean, there were quite a few creative writing jobs on the MLA list... but where would that leave me with Boyfriend?

If it's not one thing, it's six.

Job Things

2007-09-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

Today I met with another Third Year and some people he knows at the Big Humanities School here in town and we talked about and workshopped job materials. It was really beneficial in the sense that they helped me to see some ways to improve my C.V. and also how to articulate and position my research in my job letter. And in some ways it was really depressing, because their C.V.s just seemed so impressive and demonstrated such a range of scholarship.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I can say that the reason I don't go to conferences is that I can't afford to fly (and more than that I HATE to fly), but the truth is, I just don't think I have any good ideas about researching. And when I do have good ideas, and start to write, I lose interest. Everything I write is an abortion. (Just like my poetry.)

It just makes me want to give up. But the truth is, I've already given up. Which is pretty sad, since the MLA job list just came out yesterday.

I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do with my life.

This & That

2007-09-04T15:29:00.001-04:00

This weekend I read some poems at a "Local Authors" reading. I didn't really want to, but I did because I was asked to. Well, alright, that's a complete lie. I was told, rather unceremoniously, in the middle of summer that I would be reading at this thing. If I had realized back in July that the 2nd was Labor Day weekend, I would have passed. As it was, I went, read 7 poems, and then headed down to visit B/f.

He and I had a good time, even if it was just for Sunday night and yesterday day. Of course the house was beyond the pale, but he had fresh sheets down, so I'll take what I can get. We had a good time with each other. I really do love the big goof.

In other news, today and tomorrow are more long days at the office. And then my Mom is coming in for a few days on Thursday. So after I do accumulated weeks of laundry tonight, I have to clean the house. It's not really bad--it never is--but it could use some straightening. As always, the stacks of crap on the coffee table need to be beat back from taking over the living room, and the bathroom needs cleaning. Nothing arduous, just a bit time consuming.

And I still have to do the reading and assignment stuff for tomorrow. Bleah. It's always something.

Meetings!

2007-08-30T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm glad that I don't have to put in an appearance at work tomorrow, because I don't think I could stand having to ...er... sit through one more meeting this week. I had 2 on Tuesday, yesterday, and today. The ones today included a meeting for all the liberal arts college advisors, and also a faculty meeting for our department.

I can't complain too much about either of the meetings I attended today. The faculty meeting was over in less than an hour (!!!), and the advisors' meeting, which was an hour and a half, at least provided us with candy and drinks. (I'd have preferred lunch, but beggers can't be choosers, as they say.)

I'm really of two minds when it comes to meetings. There is something to be said for the energy and enthusiasm they can give you when you're actually discussing something interesting. In fact, it's often been my experience that good meetings really do spark ideas and creativity. However, we've all sat through meetings where they discuss useless trivialities till all you think about is how much more exciting it would be if someone would just come in with a high-powered vacuum and suck out your brain through your nose.

I suppose, if my boss manages to persuade the Higher Ups that they really need to hire me as an advisor full time, I can look forward to all kinds of meetings. But that would be ok. I'm not a meeting person. But I could become one if I were pulling in $50K a year. ;)

Space Cadet

2007-08-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

That would be me.

As in, today was the department "Welcome to the New Semester" party which I RSVP'ed to... and totally forgot to go to.

Attending that would have been hella lot better than sitting on my ass today and doing nothing.... like not doing the reading for tomorrow, and not ironing my clothes, and not shaving my legs...

Sometimes, I really suck.

Poison for Dinner, Anyone?

2007-08-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

How do you tell your boyfriend he can't cook, and that you'd rather eviscerate yourself with a rhinocerous horn than eat another one of his "specialties"?

I kid you not, his "eggplant parmesan" was the absolute most dreadful experiment in oil-soaked mushy eggplant, sans flavor, sans breading, and sans parmesan that I've even choked down in my life.

And this was our "anniversary" meal. Goddess help me, I thought I would die. Twice he's asked me if I liked it... and twice I've prevaricated along the lines of, "it's very different from the eggplant parmesan I've had before."

I would let this go as one of the relationship crosses I've had to bear, except he's told me that two lesbian friends of his are having a committment ceremony, and he's planning on "catering" (gasp, gag) their dinner with this..."food." I don't, in all conscience, know how I can allow him to ruin their special day with something so heinously bad. But I just don't know how I can tell him he can't cook.

I'm shuddering just thinking about all the leftovers that I have in the fridge. It's so nasty and vile, I don't even want to look at it in order to throw it out.

I know he thought he was doing a kind thing by cooking for our anniversary... but I really would have preferred to go out. Believe me, when he told me he decided he would cook, it took everything I had not to go and get the butcher knife and slit my wrists.

Apologia

2007-08-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I write in an e-mail the vomitous bile that would be more appropriate for a blog.

Doggerel, I'm sorry.

Done

2007-08-05T21:02:00.001-04:00

Sometimes
the last
paper

you read
makes you
cry.

Taking a Break

2007-08-04T21:19:00.000-04:00

I am stressed out right now because grades are due on Monday and while I only have 3 more portfolios to grade, I still have all 19 final projects to grade. I know I'll get them done tomorrow, and probably very quickly, but I'm exhausted, I'm cranky, and I'm just generally depressed.

I really, really wanted to go home for a little while before the new semester started. I had planned on leaving on Tuesday to go home for a week. Then my sister informed me that she was coming for 3 days this Monday. Then directly after that is my "annniversary weekend" with Boyfriend. So that knocks out next week. The week after that I have 3 meetings with my new boss about the advising aspect of my job. I REALLY wanted to get out of them, but of course I couldn't. So that knocks out the week of the 13th-17th. And of course the fall semester starts on the 20th.

I'm just so desolate and exhausted and I really needed that time to recoup. When I'm home with my Mom, we laugh. We hang out. We just be. And I was really counting on that because I always need to recharge before the new semester starts, because teaching takes so much out of me. I constantly feel like I don't have any time to myself--I'm constantly on call to students. And it wears me out.

And I feel like I'll be starting the new semester already in an emotional deficit... and let's face it, this semester is going to be hard. I'm teaching Tech Writing, which I've never done before; I'm doing 12 hours of week advising, and another 8-10 working on the school's cable network. So I'll probably be on campus every day, which means I won't have downtime to grade and think... let alone write!

I'm so depressed. I guess I should just go to bed. I can do those last 3 portfolios tomorrow morning, along with all those final projects. It's obvious to me I'm about to break down and cry, I'm so tired.

I'm sorry for whining.

Cabals, Cliques, and Cloisters Suck...

2007-07-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

...when you don't get to choose who joins.

I was trying to discuss with Boyfriend why I hate my life.

The latest reason (#460) is that a person from Midwestern U is coming to join the program I'm in, and my program coordinator (also from Midwestern U, the person instrumental in getting me this job), thinking it would be nice if I had someone from Midwestern U that I went to school with (tangentially) to share my office with next semester (because Beth is leaving), as opposed to a stranger, informed me today that he's moving in. This would, I suppose, not be TERRIBLE, though I am jealous of this person because he just had a book published (or accepted), and I still can't get a single GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT JOURNAL to take one measly poem from me.

But more than that... that guy has never said more than a handful of words to me, even though I've tried to be friendly to him. So, won't it be just delightful to have him in my office?? The reason she gave for installing him in my office was that we're both "writers" and that the program likes to put people with similar interests together. But the truth is, she just wants to have a little conclave of Midwestern U people together, like we're some club. I think I will be ill.

I much rather it was Doggerel coming to share an office with me. Because I love her.

Meditative

2007-07-15T13:48:00.000-04:00

I have been savoring a novel called The Mistress of Spices, by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni (Anchor, 1997), set in San Francisco, about an immortal woman whose mystical calling is to serve the spices in their magical aid to humans--for comfort, or harmony, or peace, etc., whatever the customers of her shop need.

It is, of course, a book about placing the spiritual needs of others above the physical desires of the self, and, in her attempt to help others, Tilo finds that she must not cut herself off from the world, though her calling requires her not to interfere in others' lives, just serve as the handmaiden of the spices to do their will.

And of course, the more involved in the outside world she becomes--for instance, she feels an attraction, perhaps even love, for the American--the less the spices speak to her. And I find that the more she is drawn away from her path, the less I want to read this book. I do not know if she will sacrifice her powers for earthly love, but I fear she might. And somehow, despite the richness and beauty of the book that I have read so far, I do not want Tilo to be yet another woman who must give up her dream, her soul, her being, her career for the fickle love of a man.

Perhaps, because there is a part of me who fears that very thing happening in my own life.

Diamonds Are Not a Girl's Best Friend...

2007-06-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

...but oh, I have been pretending that they are. Last night, I went to Amazon to check on the status of an order, and on the first page there was a "Create The Ring of Your Dreams" link, which lets you choose the price, quality, cut, clarity, color, and style of your engagement ring. Then when you've found the diamond that you wanted, you choose the setting. Now granted, I want an emerald ring for an engagement ring (if Boyfriend and I get to that) because a) I love emeralds, and emerald is my birthstone; and b) the two of us have ethical issues with diamonds, and their propensity to be blood diamonds, even though there is a ban on importing them. But a girl can dream. Here are the specs on my perfect diamond ring:

Diamond Specifications

Stone shape: Round
Carat Weight: 1.02 carats
Cut: Ideal
Color: E
Clarity: VVS1
Certificate type: GIA
Depth %: 61.4
Table %: 57.0
Symmetry: Very Good
Polish: Excellent
Girdle: Medium-Slightly Thick Faceted
Culet: None
Fluorescence: Medium
Measurements: 6.39 x 6.47 x 3.95 millimeters
Length-to-width ratio: 0.99
Diamond Information
Certification: GIA
This diamond comes accompanied by a diamond certificate grading report from the GIA.View certified diamond grading report for this diamond
Cut: Ideal

This diamond is cut to extremely exacting proportions of depth, diameter, and angles that allows for maximum brilliance (white light returning to the eye), dispersion (the play of colors you see in a diamond’s reflections), and scintillation (sparkling flashes that are seen when the stone, light source, or viewer moves). Diamonds with an Ideal cut grade are more rare and costly than a diamond with a Very Good or Good cut grade.
Color: E
This diamond is considered colorless but may have a slightly different degree of transparency than a D color, which is only noticeable to an expert grader under laboratory conditions. Diamonds with a color grade of E are very rare. They appear a brilliant white in the setting and will cost slightly less than a D color, depending on other quality factors.
Clarity: VVS1
This diamond is very, very slightly included to the first degree, which means that there are minute inclusions that are very difficult to see under 10 power magnification by a trained gemologist. The average person would have to look at the diamond for a long time under magnification to discern the very tiny pinpoints or polish marks that distinguish this grade from IF. With a VVS1 clarity grade, there is no possibility of seeing any inclusion with the unaided eye. For someone who values purity in a diamond, this grade offers a very rare clarity at a lower price than FL or IF clarity grades, depending on other factors.

My Ring

And all for a mere $11,435 (that includes the $435 platinum setting). If I add another $7.50 to my cart, I'll get free shipping!

Booty Call (Heh Heh)

2007-06-25T23:05:00.001-04:00

I drove down to see boyfriend in Neighboring Southern State on Saturday night, kind of out of the blue. I had talked to him earlier in the day, and he seemed a little puny, so even though I couldn't afford it, I drove down to see him. I waited up at the restaurant for him to clock out, drinking a margarita at the bar, and watching America's Got Talent without sound, because Bad 80's Music was playing loudly in the background. Who knew Sirius Radio had a Bad 80's channel?

Anyway, he and I talked and made love (it's always "making love" with him, he's such a romantic softy), and then yesterday morning we went to IHOP for breakfast.

I was really glad to see him. I've missed him bitterly.

St. Pete

2007-06-23T15:01:00.000-04:00

Last night, I was missing Grampie pretty bad--crying even. It occurred to me that yesterday was a week since his funeral. It seems crazy to think that he's already been gone 11 days. I know that, blessed, sainted man he is, he's in heaven, which he believed in (though, he was afraid that he would go to hell--why he would think he'd go to hell is beyond me), and I know that he's at peace and happy. But I miss him.

You see, he gave me the world. When I was 15 he took me with him to Canada, since my G'ma had no interest in traveling. And when I was 16 he took me to Ireland, and we toured the country, and ended up meeting some of his father's family. He had always wanted to go to Ireland. And, as a matter of fact, he had wanted to go back, in the late 1990's, but by then my G'ma was too frail and he felt like he couldn't leave her in the house alone. So he never did go back, and I know that it was a sadness for him, because he felt a kinship with the land of 1000 shades of green.

But he gave me more than these trips. He gave me laughter, and humor, and interest in social justice, and he helped us all through our lives, giving a little money here or there when I needed it--for instance, he gave me $3000 towards the downpayment of my Nissan truck in 1997, when the crap 1984 Pontiac Sunbird that I had been driving finally gave up the ghost. He was kind and thoughtful and loving. In many ways, he was more like a father (even long distance living in Maryland) than some paternal unit of mine I could mention.

I'm glad he's not on all those tubes anymore. I'm glad he's with Jesus, whom he loved, and his brothers and his sister and everyone who mattered to him who died before he did. But I am sorry for myself, and sorry for this world, because it has lost someone precious.

P.S. If one more person says to me, "He was 90 and he had a good run," I'm going to deck him. This is what the b/f said to me, and I'd still like to kick him in the ass. So he was 90! Does that cavalier attitude lessen the loss I feel? Um, the correct answer, Bonehead Boyfriend, is no.

Schadenfreudelicious!

2007-06-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

Last night, I heard from a friend that I had not talked to in quite a while. Last Novemember, he moved, and he never reconnected his Internet. He also didn't bother hooking up his phone. He basically vanished.

I met him 2 months before I left Midwestern City, Midwestern State, and I fell hard and fast for him--the term "crazy in love" comes to mind. He was beautiful and funny and smart... and a little dangerous. A man with a past. In fact, when I knew I was going to graduate from Midwestern U, I began to look like a madwoman to find jobs just so that I could stay and be near him--I was the anti-feminist, in other words. I was so besotted, that I would have given up moving to this crap Southern city, and not take this crap job, if he had given me the slightest encouragement to stay. I would have done some crap retail job just to be with him. But, instead he told me I needed to go, and so I did.

I called him every day for the first few weeks. We had been in the habit of talking on the phone every day, if we didn't see each other. But after several weeks, he told me to "move on," which was brutal, and unkind, but I tried. And dated a string of idiots in the process.

ANYWAY. Last night, he was online--apparently he was hijacking someone's WiFi--and it was great to talk to him. Especially because (and this is petty, and I apologize) he told me that this wonderful woman that he was dating and crazy about (as of 4/06--the same woman he told me not to be jealous of, and not to wish I was her, just so I could still be with him!) is a bitch, he hates her, he never meant to date her (he just "fell into it") and he is just picking his time to break up with her.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! SUCKA!!! You know, I may miss that man a lot--I miss his friendship, I miss him in bed, I miss his laugh--but I don't think much of his taste in women! He could have had me! But he chose Little Miss Petite & Perfect and she has fucked him over.

Sometimes, life is sweet. Petty, but sweet.

Back at School

2007-06-21T00:22:00.000-04:00

And so I find myself back at the ol' grind, doing the same crap I keep doing, and wondering what the hell is the point.

College teachers are a dime a dozen. And that's about all they get paid. I really think I want to become a secretary. I think I'd get paid more, and I wouldn't have papers to bring home with me.

Qu'est-ce-que c'est le point?

Fare Thee Well

2007-06-17T13:52:00.000-04:00

My grandfather died; the funeral was this past Friday. It was horrible to say goodbye, but it was more horrible watching him suffer in the hospital for all those days, on all those tubes.

I don't think much of a "science" that keeps people "alive" when they so clearly should be allowed to rest.

I am just so much devastated by his death though.

Pneumonia Again

2007-06-08T17:29:00.000-04:00

I thought this would finally be the weekend I could escape down to visit Butterfly Cauldron in BR. I'm finally over my cold. And then my grandfather went into the hospital with pneumonia again, and my mother needs me here.

I feel like crying.

Why God?

2007-06-02T22:36:00.000-04:00

Between having headaches or migraines almost every day for the last 3 weeks, insomnia, a cold, and general depression, it's a wonder I'm even alive.

Sixes and Sevens

2007-05-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

That's how I'm feeling. I seem to be kinda floating right now. Not depressed, exactly, but certainly not focused or "happy," whatever that is. It's weird having this time off, because there are things I know I should be doing--and yet, I can't quite seem to do them. (For instance, I should be preparing for summer school, looking for jobs, and trying to straighten out my finances, but the thought of doing any of those makes my head explode.)

Bleah.

Temptation

2007-05-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Today, a girl somewhere in her teen years rang the doorbell. In her arms was the most perfect little squirming, mewing kitten I have ever seen. She asked, "Is this your kitten?" I said it wasn't, but HOW I WANTED HER TO BE MY KITTEN. The girl asked me if I knew whose kitten it was, and I told her I didn't, and then she asked me if I wanted her. That's when the kitten looked right into my eyes, and I almost died. I wanted to say, "Yes, this is my kitten, thank you for finding her." But what I said was, "I would love to keep her, but my Mother would kill me." The girl mentioned that both she and her mom were allergic, and I just wanted to scoop that kitten into my arms.

If my slumlord of a landlady would allow more than one cat, I would have taken the little cream kitten in a heartbeat. I loved her sooo much. She was just perfect. But my Mother already has enough to do with Baby and with the outside cats who belong to my sister. I knew she would be furious if I had taken the little kitten off the girl's hands...

If I owned my own house, I could have taken that kitten. Now I'm all depressed and sad again. Though I am sure my Cat would not be so happy if he suddenly found he had a little sister.

Over the Hill

2007-05-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

I am still feeling sorry for myself.

Tomorrow, I Am Officially Over the Hill

2007-05-15T15:53:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I've been doing the usual self-evaluation things that you do when you are about to approach a milestone birthday--that is, recognize that you are a failure and your life is over.

Examples:
1. When my Mom was my age, she had a husband and two children. I have a cat.
2. I have a bogus job, that I get paid a pittance for. I read in the paper that a person with a high school education can expect to earn $22,000 a year, which is only a few thousand less than I am making right now, and I have a Ph.D.
3. No one will publish my poetry. Which means, I'll never be A Famous Poet, which is, frankly, all I've ever wanted to be.
4. If my weight were a country, I would be Australia. Considering Boyfriend is the size of Bora Bora, this is a sad discrepancy.
5. I do not own a house.
6. Everything I own, including my beloved Red Couches, still resides in a non-climate-controlled storage unit in Small Town, Midwestern State. Also included: my entire library, most of my CDs and DVDs, and my antique piano. There is no opportunity to retrieve my worldly goods, as I have no money to move them. The likelihood that one or all of these items have been ruined: 98%.
7. I have no friends in Big City, Southern State.
8. Bogus Job Issue #2: Next year is the last year of the 3-year gig, and I have yet to find another job that a) pays at least $15K better, and b) is anywhere near where Boyfriend lives. Oh, and c) I do not have the publication credits to make the liklihood of a good academic job even remotely...err...likely.
9. I owe the Department of Education a staggering amount of money for student loans, which I will be repaying in retirement. Unless my father dies very soon and leaves me money, which I doubt. Considering that he's probably cut me out of his will anyway (on the advice of the Succubus Queen), chance of inheritance: 0.2%.
10. Despite protests to the contrary, in my heart of hearts, I feel that I will always be unloveable. Please, this is not a plea for either of my two readers to contribute to the protestations. I know you both love me. I know that Boyfriend, Sister, Mother, Old Friends, and Cat love me. But that doesn't mean that I feel loveable. Morevover, the truth is, I cannot love myself for any of the above reasons, and for probably 1 million other reasons that I don't want to go into right now.

Happy Birthday to Me. I think I will go chuck myself off the nearest building.

Gahh, Students!

2007-05-10T16:03:00.000-04:00

The last few days, b/f has been in town, and so I haven't had the opportunity really to go online or check my work e-mail, but I did that today, and man, am I sorry. There were 12 messages from students bitching about their grades--though, granted, four were from the same person. I hate that they think they can bully me into changing their grades. And I have to admit that I am particularly cranky right now anyway, and their complaints after the fact really irritate me. Frankly, after the semester is over (or a week before it's over, in the case of one student) is NOT the time to be pestering your teacher about how the grade can be improved... You know how the grade can be improved? DO A GOOD JOB THE FIRST TIME AND TURN IN YOUR WORK. Gee, how hard is that?

This is the BS that makes me HATE being a teacher. I am so sick of their dramas and trying to guilt me into fixing their grades. One student who got a a C in the class wrote me a note telling me how suprised and disappointed he was to receive a C. I wrote him back and said that if he had turned in the second annotation assignment and received at least an 78% on it, he would have earned enough points to get his precious B. I'm sure he's going to e-mail me back and try to convince me that he turned it in--but the fact is, students have to turn in a hard copy for me to grade, and an uploaded copy into a anti-cheating database of student work, and when I checked it, there was only 1 out of the 2 annotation assignments there. So he won't have a leg to stand on--but the fact is, he's going to e-mail me any way and bitch some more. I just hate this stuff.

In other news, I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my Mom. It will be a welcome respite from this hellhole city I live in.

A Stranger Approaches

2007-05-03T16:19:00.000-04:00

Today, after I finished meeting with a student and doing some more grading on campus, I went to my favorite salad bar restaurant, Lettuce Souprise you. Their soup is always marginal, but their salad is great, and I try to go there if not every week, at least every other week. I couldn't go tomorrow (if I go, it's usually on a Friday after work) because I have a meeting at 12:30 and I don't know how long it will run.

Anyway, as I was buttering a corn muffin, this very attractive blond man (who had come in after I did with his other attractive blond man friend) came over and started to talk to me. Told me that he and his friend noticed me, that they haven't been in the city long, and are looking for new friends. So we chatted for 10 minutes, and they said that they noticed that I looked "happy" and that they like happy people. He was very clear to make sure that I knew he wasn't picking me up--which is a good thing--picking me up would break anyone's bones to rubble--but that they don't know anyone and thought I might be a kindred spirit. He gave me his phone number, and I gave him mine. He invited me out to a lesbian country bar tonight, but I told him that I would be grading. Which, hopefully, I will be. ;)

I do love the idea of a lesbian country bar, though.

I might just call him. Dare I?

Reading Blogs of People You Hate

2007-05-03T00:49:00.000-04:00

I've been reading the blog of a former best friend who was quite repugnant to me back in the day, who dropped me as her friend for who knows what reason. I think it had something to do with my depression, which yes, was bad, but also to do with her insane self-involvement, and the fact that as a person, she is so morally decayed that she thinks it's ok to eviscerate her "friends" when they don't behave like she thinks they ought. Anyway, I finally had to stop looking at it, because I was starting to hyperventilate. Ok, maybe I wasn't that mad, but I was certainly annoyed.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, those people suck, and I'm going to try not to read her blog any more. Because the urge to write a really snotty comment is quite overwhelming, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that a) she's gotten to me; b) I have this blog; and c) that I'm even expending the energy to hate her. I should follow my own advice to people who have sitches like this: DISENGAGE. Be the anti-Captain Picard. DISENGAGE. MAKE IT SO.

I Do This Every Semester (DAMN ME!!)

2007-04-29T13:33:00.000-04:00

I am sitting on my bed, surrounded with about four bazillion student papers and wondering how the hell I'm going to get it all graded. Now granted, I've got a whole week before grades are due (I think--I best check that out!), but I'd rather get them done sooner rather than later (like I usually do)--which if I had done the grading for the annotated bibs ontime, then I wouldn't be having this problem. On the other hand, half the classes turned them in late, so that also put me behind--but that's no excuse. The truth is, I suck when it comes to grading. Plus, I still have to grade reading journals --which I mostly just spotcheck--and the webpages--which won't take long, but it's still ONE MORE THING--and then do all the GD adding of points and blah, blah, blah. Well, you know how it is. Maybe one day I will not procrastinate like I do. But let's face it... the habit is ingrained. And I never change... I mean, hell, speaking of procrastinating--I'm here writing this blog, aren't I? It's hopeless. Oy.

I guess what I really ought to do is when they turn in their work, I should just stay at the office till I get at least 2-3 hours of grading done. If I did that every class day, I'd be in a better place than finding myself at the end of the semester inundated with work. Part of the problem too is that the first part of the semester, the workload is light, and then in the last month of teaching, I get in 500 points worth of work to grade for each student. For instance, I picked up the annotated bibs on 4/13; their final reading journals on 4/18; and had final projects from 4/23 to 4/27. It's easy to get behind when you get so much work at the end. But the long and short of it is, is that I procrastinate like a maniac. Because I suck.

In my only defense, I have to say that I've had terrible migraines for the last two weeks, and the only thing I can do when that happens is crawl into my bed and sleep. Which is also not conducive for getting work done.

And finally, I'm PMSing bigtime... bleah.

A Department Thing

2007-04-28T00:33:00.000-04:00

Today, I stayed at school to grade, instead of hotfooting it home like I usually do. There was also a "Good Bye" party for the faculty Fellows who aren't returning next year (either because this was their Third Year or because they got a decently-paying job elsewhere) at a local pub, about a mile and a half from the school. Not only did I want to say goodbye to a couple of my friends, but hell, let's face it: free food. Sometimes I'm still in graduate school mode--I can be lured with food. Of course people could have wine or beer too, though I stuck to Cokes, being as I detest beer and wine detests me.

One of the Third Years, a dear, brilliant, man who is leaving, had applied earlier in the year for a tenure-track job at my school--and should have been a shoe-in, except that he got screwed. I won't go into the details--they steam my clams--but I was so angry for him today. I mean, he couldn't have been more cordial and friendly if he tried, and when the head of the department was talking to him, and saying how much the department will miss him, I wanted to beat the GD lying SOB with my shoe. It was so fricken phony. It's possible that the head of the department was NOT on the hiring committee, but I find that hard to believe. And moreover, how could he say all these nice things, full knowing how shitty the school had been to him? He was just so unbelievably phony--I do not like that man. I couldn't have been so gracious as my friend was. But I was seriously disgusted at the hypocrisy. I was totally channeling Holden Caulfield or something.

Anyway--despite the obnoxious phoniness of the whole shebang--"oh, we're going to miss you people so much" PUH-LEEZ--I did get to hang out with my Second Year friends and chat with them and eat good bar food and that was fun. And we were there till 8:30, and the thing started at 5:30. It was the most socializing I've done in a long time. Normally, I'm such a hermit.

Teaching Tech Writing Next Sem

2007-04-27T08:35:00.000-04:00

Initially, I was assigned Comp 1 for next fall, and had been planning on teaching it as an argument/ ecofem class, and I was really looking forward to it, because for one thing, it's something I cared about, and for another, I thought it would be cool. But they have since reassigned me to teach technical writing, which theoretically will be a lot less grading, and that's a good thing. But I'm afraid that I'll be bored. And I'm not much of a lecturer. I am mostly just a book discusser. That's what matters to me--that people think (and think well).

I think that's probably why I'm a bad comp teacher (ok, I'm not bad--but I'm not a Comp Queen like others I know)--because I'd argue it's more important for students to think well, than it is for them to write well. I'm probably in a minority. I'm sure most comp teachers want students to do BOTH. But I don't think it's possible to construct good arguments in writing until students can really understand the material on a deeper level. I think they should teach a class on thinking.... and I'm not talking a class on philosophy (which to me, was excruciating). But just honest and true critical thinking. I'd love to do that. But I doubt an opportunity will come up for that, because I think I'm in the minority when it comes to articulating pedagogy as "thinking first, writing later." And more than that, I'm not at a liberal arts school.

But I have decided to teach ecofem this summer. The independent bookstore where I order my books has assured me that it can get 25 copies of the out-of-print book of essays on ecofem that I love, and so I'm looking forward to that. I'm also having students read a book on women's nature writing--kind of blind, because I haven't been able to get a hold of a copy--but it sounds good from what I've read. Probably in 6 weeks, I'll have to do a lot of squeezing in, and not get to teach everything I want, but it will be ok. I'm going to make it ok. Last summer I taught an intro to pop culture, which I don't know how successful it was, but I enjoyed it. I'm hoping that this intro to women's ecology and ecofem will work out all right. It will have to sustain me through my dance with tech writing until I get back to teaching real stuff.

In other news, because my first class finished their project presentations, I don't have a 9:00 class this morning, which is good. The bad thing is, I didn't really get to say goodbye to them, as today is the last day of classes. But I'll probably send them an e-mail to tell them when they can expect their grades, wish them well on finals.

More Disappointing Student Projects--and Other Crap

2007-04-25T19:52:00.000-04:00

As my students gave their presentations on dystopias today, I was saddened to think that, in a composition class, where they were given free reign (within reason) to come up with a website that allowed them to imagine and create a culture (and all its parts--politics, social welfare, health, race, class, gender, geography, etc., etc., etc.), that the best they could do was envision Hitler as the god that one dystopia prayed to. Technically, we're not supposed to allow them to do creative work in the comp class--the department is very strict in that sense.

But to me, how better can students demonstrate that they've learned and understood the class concepts by having to develop a web project of their dystopia/utopia? It seems to me, if they have to consider all the myriad things it takes to create a culture, then surely they could come up with something much more impressive than what they did. Last fall, some of the dystopias or utopias that students came up with were amazing--I mean, knocked my socks off. The ones I've seen both Monday and today are just generic and hohum. I was really disappointed in them. They could have done much better. And more than that, they SHOULD have done much better. These students are supposed to be the cream of the crop--the average incoming GPA at my school is 3.75. I was prepared to be impressed with their work, and just wasn't.

*********

In other news, I got another rejection letter. I don't know what would make my poetry publishable, but clearly, I'm not doing it. Sometimes I think that I just don't write what people care about--and then when I see all the work I have, that nobody wants, it makes me question why I even bother a) writing, and b) sending stuff out. I've had as much success getting my poems published not sending them out as sending them out--which is to say, none.

Of course, when I read Poetry (Magazine), which is the PREMIER literary journal for publishing poems--and if you publish here, you have ARRIVED--I always stumble over how unintelligible the work is to me. Am I stupid? Or do I just value poems that are open and clear? Forgoddessake, I have a PhD in poetry--and most of the poems they print every month I just don't understand. If I had creative writing students who wrote like that, I'd be the first to tell them that they need to consider their audience more carefully and write with language that is clear and concrete and visual. Most of the time, I have no idea what those writers are talking about--and it makes me upset. Because I think if I could write like they do, maybe someone would publish my work. But I don't know how to write in fragments like they do. I don't know how to--and more than that, I don't want to. But sometimes I think, if I want to be published, maybe I have to reconsider my sense of aesthetics? Because what I'm doing is not working. And goddess knows, I'll never get a job in academia if I don't start racking up the pub list.

And yet I still wonder--do I have to sell myself this way?

Reed Richards

2007-04-25T10:21:00.000-04:00

I seem to be having strange dreams lately, which is unusual for me, since I don't seem to dream. When I was on a coctail of antidepressants, I dreamed quite a bit. Now that I'm not taking them, I don't seem to dream--or just rarely, like last night.

Reed Richards is Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four, which was my FAVORITE comic as a girl. I loved the comic, I loved the show, but Mr. Fantastic was not my favorite of the group--it was (and always will be) Ben (The Thing). I used to daydream about marrying Ben--even though he was orange and rocky. I think it was his tortured soul--and his matter-of-fact attitude--that appealed to me. Anyway, last night, I dreamed that it was Reed who kissed me--of course, it was Ioan Griffudd from the 2005 movie (who, by the way, really doesn't do anything for me, and if we're talking about the movie, let's be honest here--Michael Chiklis's Ben was totally dreamy). The weird thing was that I let him kiss me--even though I knew I was dating my b/f.

It was weird too that I felt disloyal but also sinful in a good way. I have no idea what it means.

In a somewhat related note, I am looking forward to seeing The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer when it comes out this summer. I don't usually like comic book movies, but I do have a soft spot for F4.

Not Getting Much Done, Attempt 2

2007-04-24T17:59:00.000-04:00

That was so weird. I remember clicking on a button in the settings that said it would put a choice to transliterate into Hindi, but I didn't realize that it would automatically transliterate the title. Hence, I changed it back.

Right now, I'm getting IMmed from a jerk I had a ONS with over a year ago. He periodically e-mails me to find out if I'm having sex with anyone. For the longest, after the ONS, I said I had decided to be celibate. It wasn't true, but it was a good way to keep him from hassling me. What I need to do is block his name so I wouldn't get IMs from him. Of course, I did that with his old IM name, and he just sent me an IM under his new name. I could also just tell him he was so bad in bed that I would never even consider talking to him. But that is mean. And I try very hard not to be mean. Even to people I don't particularly like.

I thought about doing some grading today. I thought about it, and then I didn't think about it. I've been having a hard day. I just feel worthless and sad. And I have a headache. And my cat caught another mouse and brought it in the apartment. I don't know. I just seem to be stagnating.

I was reading Doggerel's blog instead. And looking around on Blogger to find new and interesting people to read. Found a few that I put in my links list.

Maybe I should go to bed. Even if it's only 6 p.m. in the evening.... Of course, I went to bed at 3 p.m. yesterday, with a migraine. I get those a lot. I'm beginning to think I'm so stressed out that it's manifesting itself in headaches--like one every day. True, it's the end of the semester, and normally that really does stress me out. But I think it's worse this time. Much worse.

नॉट गेत्तिंग अन्य वर्क दोने

2007-04-24T17:56:00.000-04:00

Why is this writing everything in Hindi? I will come back once I figure out what is wrong.

Why "Mermatriarch"?

2007-04-24T09:10:00.000-04:00

There is a framed poster here in my bedroom, of John William Waterhouse's painting A Mermaid (1901) that I have loved since the first time I saw it. In fact, it's safe to say that of all the mythological creatures, mermaids are my favorite. I'm not sure what it is that I love about them--perhaps because they are beautiful, and I am not, perhaps because I admire their vanity and capriciousness, the way they sun themselves on the shore and lure men to their deaths--or at least, to broken hearts.

What I love a bout the painting, that features a red-haried mermaid combing her hair, is that her mouth is just slightly open, as if she wants to say something, but she's not looking at the artist, but off to the left. Perhaps she's seen something that's made her gasp, but not startled her enough to take her away from her grooming. I think that I would like to be her. I would like to have the option to swim off to sea, to get away from land and stay wrapped in the ocean for as long as I want. It would be a kind of death-in-life. That appeals to me.

Of course, the word "Mermatriarch" implies (mermaid) motherhood, and I have no children, and certainly not any mermaids, but I liked the idea of the word, the idea that I could be a kind of queen to these creatures that I love so much. Maybe someday I will write a story or a poem about a Mermatriarch.

Not that anyone wants my poems. I got another rejection letter yesterday.

I Don't Understand My Students

2007-04-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

It always happens that when it comes to final projects, some students do an amazing job, and some depress me with their lackadaisical approach. It happened on one of the projects in my second hour class--it was a lame website, with few of the features that I asked my students to consider as well as few of the concepts I asked them to discuss. I was so disappointed in the absolute lack of work that they did. In fact, I wound up asking them all of these questions about why they made the choices they did, because they didn't answer any of the questions I thought they should have. As the students were leaving, I heard one say, "That was a really hard project," and I wondered what he could have meant. Because it didn't look to me that they spent more than a couple of hours putting it together.

Then another group did a project that was racist against Muslims, and I hoped desperately that there were no Muslims in my class. I asked them about why they approached their dystopia with such virulent anti-Muslim racism, and they said they basically extrapolated on the current way society is structured.... Granted, dystopias are often founded on racist principles, but I've spent 15 weeks talking about why that stuff is bad. I wish they would have framed their racism against people who don't exist--that is, I wish they had imagined some other planet, not the Earth, and had expressed their xenophobia toward a race that didn't have members that we could recognize. I tried to frame their racism in these terms when I called them on it... but I don't think they were aware of how, by reinforcing this current hate, even if we are to read their work as dystopic, there are still real-world implications.

Sometimes I think I'm a terrible teacher. Especially when I see the kind of work I saw today.

Why I Need ANOTHER Blog....

2007-04-22T18:45:00.000-04:00

...I need a place where no one knows me.

I have a LJ, I have a MySpace, I probably have a couple other blogs here or there, but I use these most frequently. Which isn't that frequently, unless it's for the most banal of posts, since everyone knows about them, and I need some privacy. Because I'm really fucking up in my life. I mean it. I am just betwixt and between and I just don't have any energy to do the kinds of things that I need to: mainly, get a new job.

I am a professor in academia. I teach at a tech school, but my job there is lousy--and it's temporary (I'm finishing year 2 on a 3 year gig). I need to find something better. But I just can't seem to do the work that I need to do to find another job. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to teach. If I could find a women's studies job--but then, I found one that would have been perfect, and I couldn't seem to get my portfolio together to apply. That's what I mean. I just seem to be stagnating.

I mean, I know that a job isn't going to fall out of the sky. I know that I have to make my teaching portfolio and do that other BS that academic jobs require--and yet I can't seem to motivate myself. I just...subsist. And I'm doing it badly.

I'm a failure. I know this. I have lots of people fooled, since I got my PhD and I teach at a good school, and even my boyfriend thinks I'm pretty together, but I'm really not. And the truth is, sometimes I'm really afraid that the depression that I've suffered my entire life is going to choke me to death... I feel it lurking, right around the corner. And I have health care. I could go to therapy (not that I make a lot of money to spend on therapy, since my student loans are ALSO choking me to death), but I can't even motivate myself enough to find a doctor. I'm just... stuck.

And scared.

And I really, really hate myself. I've been pretending I'm ok--everyone thinks I am. But I'm not.